Harrison's Blog for World Peas

36 Photos, 36 Months, Happy Birthday to me!

2011-08-08T21:52:00.000-07:00

Hello Minions!

It has been far too long - but what can I do? I am at the whim of my so called father who claims to have too much to do up the wazoo to let me update my blog.
Yeeees. Trawling Facebook all day can be a chore, daddy.

Anyhoo, I have decided, on the eve of my glorious birthday, to regale your senses with 36 photos culled from 36 months of my extraordinary existence.

I have tried to find some images you have not seen before - my, how I've grown.

You can thank me later.

Until next time,

HJB out. XX

What the...? Brrrrrr......

2010-11-16T08:12:00.000-08:00

Hello folks,

Not sure how this happened.
One minute I am nice and toasty in San Jose, and the next minute I am up to my armpits in cold white stuff, surrounded by people who wear scarves and eat chips with gravy and curd cheese.
Blimey... eh.

I write to you from my new home in sunny, ahem... slightly chilly, Ottawa, Canada.

Well, it had to happen - dad is totally unemployable, and mum needs to find something to do, plus we like to confuse the immigration department, so we are all back here, living in grandma and grampy's house until we can find new digs.

To be honest, I don't mind the move too much.
For one thing, my bedroom size has improved considerably...

Exhibit A - Old Bedroom

Exhibit B - New bedroom - can you spot me hiding?

Actually, I quite like this new room...

especially when dad keeps bringing new toys up from the basement all the time.

There are many things I miss about California though, it has to be said.
I miss hanging out with my buddies, Nate and Oliver. We had some mad times at the beach.

Actually, I just miss beaches in general...

I miss watching inappropriate telly with Uncle Paul...

and our impromptu midnight swinging sessions.

It's not the same talking to Uncle Paul on Skype- roll on xmas!

There are a couple of things I won't miss though...

Never knowing what to wear in polite Californian society...

Ill-fitting diapers...

The stuff daddy calls 'nutritious'...

Surprise owl attacks...

And being forced to work in daddy's 'factory'.

Just in case you think this blog has been a bit dad-centric - here's some shots of mum and Kaylee.
Me and mum worked briefly driving this big rig around - but we got let go after mum was caught drinking a coke on the job.

Actually, my alleged mother seems to spend a lot more time with my sister than she does with me these days. Just 'cause Kaylee can't walk - humph.

Kaylee's OK though - we like hanging out together, and I make her laugh,

although she sometimes surprises me by turning up in one of my old duck-hunting outfits.

All in all, we're doing fine.
We now have Uncle Parm to play with,

and I have learned how important it is to cover your head in cold weather.

I go to playgroup twice a week and we make stuff and play with big toys,

and because I'm such a little actor, I've been practicing my best Harrison Ford grin for my upcoming photo shoots!

Kaylee says her blog is coming soon - but her fingers are littler, so it takes a bit longer.

Bye!

HJB out.

2010-08-27T18:21:00.000-07:00

Evening, serfs, Harrison here.

Well, somehow I'm managing to keep my head above the chaos that is daily life right now. Mum and dad are thick in the middle of figuring out how to move back to Canada, and Kaylee seems hell bent on keeping grandma to herself.

In all the activity, the parental units have neglected my appearance, and I am in serious need of a haircut.

Exhibit A.

Exhibit B.

The P.U.s have been on an educational kick lately - they're happy that I can count to 12, know the alphabet and can name a couple of planets, but it seems that's not enough. They keep hauling me off to science museums too.
Thankfully there's room here for mayhem.
Look, there's a gaping hole in the fire engine - guess what happens next...

That's right - dad looks the other way, pretending I'm someone else's child.

I love the water activities at this place - the swirling vortex gives me so many ideas...

... and of course, it's fun getting your pants wet.

At the Tech museum, Oliver and I were meant to be figuring out the activities, but dad and Greg muscled in. Typical. Hey! We're learnin' here!

This big wall of lights creates music. It's fun, but hugely impractical and won't fit in my pocket.

Painting on a computer screen is cool too - but dad won't let me try this at home for some reason.

While at the tech, I designed a new doomsday device. I just need 20 trained gerbils and a AAA battery to get it going, mwahahahaha!

Recently they took me to Gilroy Gardens where I could let my (scruffy) hair down. Here I am breaking the speed limit.

And here I am in a strawberry. Yes, we were equally embarrassed.

Mum and dad discovered a great way to keep me busy, educational apps on mum's new iPod touch - that was, until I put it somewhere safe (it's been lost for 4 days now).

So now they've promoted me to the laptop - this thing is not as easy to lose...

Check it out - my new muscle suit! This is my new outfit for the partaking of wet activities, smart eh?

And here I am checking out the pruning on my toes with Uncle Paul - the water is nice and cool which is useful now that the temperatures here have reached 106F!

For my 2nd birthday, I was given a treat.
First, I was allowed out of my cage for an hour...

Then a bunch of strangers turned up and ate a moon cake that dad made for me.

Check out my facebook page for more cool photos of this momentous event!

I got some fun stuff from good old England too, firstly a nifty doctor's set from Aunty Julie and the brood...

And a noisy Iggle Piggle book from Granny Annie. I have to rest my head between the couch cushions while I read this one!

I got so many lovely pressies from everyone - and Kaylee and I will be sending out special thank-yous very soon*

OK - speak to you later. My next missive will probably arrive via Ottawa (whatever that is).

HJB Out!

*2015

Here we are again!

2010-07-03T15:10:00.001-07:00

Howdy, minions,

Time for a quick update on the fabulous life of me.
I've got a lot to share, so I'll just cut to the chase.

By now I imagine that you have heard about the new member of our family - Kaylee, soon to be my dark appentice. Wel, I'm doing a separate blog for her, and you can see that at http://kayleejayne-nob01.blogspot.com/

In the meantime, you came here to see me - and that's who you're going to get.
Life is still barrelling along nicely, thank you very much. Grandma turned up to help out with the laundry, and she is also useful for trips to the park...

The park is where I learned to ride a dinosaur, which is a requirement for evil world dominators.

Recently, we had a couple of friends from Holland come to visit us, Kick and Chris. We had a BBQ, and Kick gave me a cool footie shirt, which I will wear when I watch Holland win the World Cup!

I am enjoying my new room, which I have decorated with stickers that auntie Robin gave me,

and I like playing outside, either with water

or chalk.

Check out how messy I get :)

When the dinosaur is out of commission, I use my fake x-wing.

Eating is still fun - I do eat my peas

although I prefer to steal dad's croissant.

When I take his food, he sends me to the naughty cupboard.

I'll leave you with a set of random images that not only show you how much I have grown, but how I outsmarted the cops by being all cute, and how I am helping with the housework.

TTFN!

Harry X

My Sister's Blog

2010-06-03T13:54:00.001-07:00

Check it out here!

HJB.

Finally!

2010-05-12T23:29:00.000-07:00

Greetings, all!

Well, it took long enough, but dad finally let me back onto this infernal machine to pour forth my nuggets of wisdom.

How long has it been since my last report? Three months? Blimey. I guess we've been busy.

We've all been up to our usual tricks. Dad is mad busy trying to finish his latest animated film (something about fleas and mountains) and mum is huffing and puffing and complaining that someone keeps kicking her. Don't look at me. I might have the shoes for the job, but I don't kick my mummy.

I have been steadily asserting my dominance in this place, I watch Avatar whenever I want,

I drive myself around,

and I sleep wherever I damn well want.

Now that I have virtually all of my teeth in place, I am thoroughly enjoying whatever my parents are trying to eat. However, sometimes I let them strap me into my chair and force other consumables upon me. I am particularly fond of watermelons,

although nothing beats a jam sandwich!

It has been mentioned that I have a drinking problem. This is not true. I will admit though, that I prefer to drink laying down as it saves time.

I am trying to be helpful around the apartment, tidying not only my toys, but also myself when company calls unexpectedly.

I even help Uncle Paul keep his big house clean.

I have been hanging out with my friends, some old, some new, some robotic.
The geek scouts still like to get together every now and then for a giggle and a cup of tea. Here we are hanging out with our newest member.

I also went with Oliver to the zoo, I have decided I want the new baby to be a meerkat.

My other new friend is Sophia, and daddy taught me how to subdue and romance a possible future girlfriend.

Here I am with another pal listening to dad read a book (he's good at reading)

and again with Elmo, who I think was secretly after my balloon.

I also really like R2 D2,

although meeting the real thing was a little daunting!

So, what else is new?
Well, my drawing skills are improving,

I'm modeling for GQ,

Spring has sprung,

and daddy lets me play with the cars he used to play with when he was my age.
Cheapskate.

Finally, for those of you who did not know - in approximately three weeks time I will have a baby sister!
No name decided yet. My money's on Bambi though.

Here is a rough idea of what she will look like!

Wish me luck!!

HJB out.

Enjoying the attention (while I still can)

2010-02-16T08:03:00.000-08:00

Greetings, subjects,

Well, I just turned 18 months old, and I don't feel a day over 19 months. With this new age comes new wisdom, but not, apparently, the ability to use a spoon properly.

Dad is very proud of me, claiming that I am, after all, his own flesh and blood, due to the fact that I love sausages, popsicles and peaches, and hate celery. I like to make dad happy.

My intended sibling continues to hog mum's attention - here is one of the latest pictures of him, her, it...

Looks pretty freaky if you ask me.

My parents are still indoctrinating me with their insidious religion, here is my new ride (courtesy of Aunty Melinda). She don't look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid.

Actually, I rather enjoy this inflatable hunk of junk - and frequently use it during my t.v. viewing sessions.

It helps that Bruce's mum and dad sent me this awesome flying jacket too!

Recently, mum took me to Lucasfilm in San Francisco. There she posed with the most evil force in the galaxy. Oh, and some bloke called Daft Hayder or something.

Actually, I think their brainwashing might be working, as the more astute among you (and by astute, I mean nerdy) might tell from this next picture.

Well, I've got to go. I need to return these new shoes mum bought me - honestly, I think this pregnancy has fried her mind.

Back to the drawing board!

HJB out.

The Second Coming

2010-01-11T12:05:00.000-08:00

Greetings, minions, and a Happy New Year to you all!

I'm back in the US of A and I have a lot to share with you - so hold onto your potatoes, it's gonna be a bumpy ride!

Flying is fun. Providing you are a baby, and not the owners of a baby, nor the passengers in the immediate vicinity of said baby. To be fair though, I thought my behavior was pretty good, not like the old lady in front of me who threw up all the way from San Francisco to London on the way out, or the man doing sneaky bottom burps behind me on the way back. Actually, during the stringent security check on the way to the States, I got my first ever frisking.
Needless to say, it was an enjoyable moment for both parties, and phone numbers were exchanged.

So, what went down in jolly old England?

Well, it snowed. Interesting stuff, snow. Kinda fun, kinda wet. The jury's still out on its usefulness.

It did teach me a thing or two about the hardiness of the locals though - although some might mistake this for stupidity.

It was fun seeing Nanny Annie again. She taught me how to use dangerous implements to mark furniture,

and introduced me to her pet fox in the back yard.

The best bit about the trip was being able to catch up with friends and family in order for them to fawn all over me and shower me with praise and jaffa cakes.
Here I am with my auntie, uncle and cousins...

...mum and dad's friends, Geoff and Sui, and Bruce...

...grandad Baker...

... and all of us tearing into our pressies with auntie Christine and uncle Dave.

We went to Christine and Dave's house for xmas dinner, which was a lot of fun.
Mum led me to their house, which is about ten houses up the street from Nanny Annie's place.

It was here that I encountered my first full turkey dinner. Blimey - I could get used to this! Cheers!

Unbelievably stuffed, I took a moment to relax at the table...

...before indulging in a spot of cat-tormenting.

I got some great presents for xmas, not the least of which was this knitted stealth cardigan from uncle Dave's mum. Unfortunately, its powers of invisibility are only effective when I am standing in front of Dave's mum.

Wow, this trip was such a lot of fun!
I played with auntie Julie a lot...

...until it all ended in a punch-up.

I read my Star Wars book with Bruce...

And got mercilessly tickled by Sean.

I especially enjoyed indulging in a spot of English television. I'm really not sure what these CBeebie programmers are on - but daddy wants some.

I had many likes and dislikes during my stay.
I loved dad's bizarre, yet barely attempted, party balloon animals...

... but wasn't so keen on some of the stuff that passes for baby food over there. That said, if you've got any spare Farley's Rusks laying around, feel free to send them my way!

I was delighted and touched by the huge supply of toys and equipment that had been rustled up by mum and dad's family and friends...

But I didn't like the idea of having to renounce my nationality while living under Nanny Annie's roof.

All in all, I had a splendid time, and was sorry to say goodbye.
I can't wait for our next trip over-seas.
Having said that, it was nice to get back to the balmy weather of San Jose, and go for a walk in the park with uncle Paul upon our return.

We had a lovely time over the holiday period - thanks to everyone who made it so special!

I'll leave you with the reason for my excited face...

I'm getting an apprentice!

Happy 2010, y'all!

HJB, out.

Afore we fly.

2009-12-08T23:54:00.000-08:00

Greetings minions and evil-doers the world over,

As some of you may already know, my parental units are taking me to one half of my ancestoral home at the end of the week, and I shall be celebrating the holidays in jolly old England. Can't wait to meet family members I never knew I had, and charm the pants off mum and dad's friends. All that and turkey too - smashing.

Before I get too carried away though, I must apologise for skipping a month. There's no excuse, so I won't make one. That said, I'll now flood this blog with photos capturing the last couple of months in all their glory - lots of stuff happened, and I'm sure there was a purpose to it all...

Well, Halloween came and went (as did the chocolates I collected - thanks Uncle Paul). Dad carved a groovy pumpkin for me, befitting my dark side.

I got all decked out in my best space smuggler gear - just call me 'Han'.

I wowed the chicks.

Before hitting the town with my best buddies.

And counting my ill-gotten gains.

Also that month, I discovered the joys of brisk walks on crisp evenings. Mum and dad took me to a new park and we all had fun.
I looked at the birds on the lake.

Then dad showed me the art of swinging.

And then mum helped me up and down the stairs - all in all a most productive evening.

November swung around, and with it came butterflies and Thanksgiving.
We went to see the butterfly migration at Santa Cruz, but there weren't very many to see. Luckily I had Uncle Paul on hand to point out that the clusters of dead leaves we were looking at were, in fact, Monarch butterflies.

Not dead leaves

Saw some cool caterpillers though.

And then we went to the beach where everyone took turns to pose with me, thus making them better citizens.
First Mum.

Then Dad.

Then Uncle Paul!

We also went to some friends' house for a Thanksgiving meal. I gave thanks for the opportunity to do a bit of housework, although I needed a Dyson if I was going to suck up that paper airplane.

Towards the end of November, we all went for a jaunt to the Star Trek exhibit at the Tech museum in San Jose. I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw people actually dressed up for this event - surely Star Wars fans would never be this nerdy...

It was here that I gave a whole new meaning to the phrase 'Captain's log.'

As usual, I'll leave you with some random images that sum up the past couple of months for me.

Dad's pointing lessons were going poorly.

I discovered that leaves come many different colors, but mum still makes me wash my hands whether they be green or red or brown.

Sometimes a t-shirt can say a thousand words.

I am experimenting with different looks for my dark lord outfit. I call this one "you want fries with that?"

But I think this is the winner. Darth Tater won't miss his mask.

I am also working on building a real lightsaber. OK, so it's a flashlight, but it is purple.

I have discovered many new games to play.
This one is called 'couch chewing' - it helps me soothe my four new teeth that are causing me so much grief these days.

I call this one 'Mummy's little helper'. They don't seem to find this very funny though.

Finally, I'll leave you with me and new best friend. When he asked me what I wanted for christmas, I said 'world domination' and then peed on his leg. I don't think this guy's going to be checking his list twice this year...

Happy Holidays!!

HJB

Settling In

2009-10-23T12:18:00.000-07:00

Greetings, purveyors of quality babies,

It's been a busy month and a half since my last missive, but I thought you might like an update on my recent relocation to a new evil lair.

Sadly, all the volcanoes in San Jose were taken by other neferious types, so I had to settle on a spiffy apartment complex that looks a little bit like Italy.

Here is the main entrance to my new domain,

and here is the view from my bedroom window.

This is the area I have for my crib of doom,

and here is the corner for my diaper changing table... of doom.

Somehow, the parental units were able to squeeze the couches from Uncle Paul's place into this new location...

and gladly sacrificed their books so that I had somewhere to stash my toys.

One bonus to this new pad is the close vicinity of a splendid training ground where I shall be toughening up my recruits.

Here they will discover new definitions of pain as I put them through their paces on the swing of doom...

...the slide of doom...

...and the parallel bars of mild discomfort.

Recently, I visited some friends' houses. My associate and wheel-man, Oliver, held a Pirate-themed birthday party recently, and I not only shivered my timbers, but I also press-ganged Uncle Paul into being my cabin boy.

I also met up with another diabolical genius, Arusha, who showed me the joys of drumming,

followed by a demonstration of her own, evil meglomaniac chair.

I must admit, it was more comfortable than the chair I built for myself at home.

In other news, I am honing my hand-to-hand combat skills via unprovoked attacks on my creaking old dad. He is prone to yell "Not now, Kato!"

I am also learning to drive,

and thoroughly enjoying feeding myself.

I'll finish up this memo with a few random images showing how I have successfully integrated myself into society, but first, I must show you what happened after dad made me watch Close Encounters of the Third Kind.

Enjoy the snaps!

HJB Out!

13 months young.

2009-09-08T15:07:00.000-07:00

Hello future minions,

Well, I am managing to squeeze in and write this blog while dad is taking a rare break from the computer. He has written a 'to do' list and is ploughing his way through it in a vague attempt to avoid changing my diapers.

A lot has happened since I turned 1 and became an adult. I am still doing lots of walking, especially in my new outfits, and because of this activity my weight appears to have plateaued at 22lbs.

I'm growing taller though (30 inches), and already have size six feet. I think some height would add a sense of menace which could prove useful in the future.

I don't always walk around unaided though - occasionally I like to relax in my walker which also plays classical music, very sophisticated.

Every day is spent plotting diabolical deeds and honing my defensive skills - when I am not attacking dad and biting his knees, I like to engage in a friendly bout with my arch nemesis, Dr. Quackles McBeak.

Speaking of dad, I have to say that so far I am not impressed with his parenting abilities. In fact, the stuff he has been teaching me has, quite frankly, been downright irresponsible.

First, he taught me the correct Mr. Magoo face to pull to show my displeasure when forced to eat vegetables.

Then he showed me the joys of eating mashed potatoes without the aid of a bowl or a spoon.

Later he demonstrated the correct way to smoosh one's face up against the kitchen window in order to shock mum. Luckily, granny had just washed this window...

He's not all bad though - he did take me swimming today for the first time - I loved it!

I've been considering many new forms of transport in order to facilitate my world domination plans. After rejecting the box...

I then tried what I thought was a rocket - only to discover that is was a crude mock-up of a pineapple house. The shame.

Finally I settled for my big Cat truck - oh, and don't get me wrong, I don't normally drink and drive. This was just staged as a publicity shot.

OK chums - see you again soon,

HJB out.

Wha? Where am I? How old am I?

2009-08-14T09:30:00.000-07:00

Hello minions!

My profound apologies for the delay between entries, but feel free to blame my father and scowl at him as you pass him on the street.

So much has happened in the last couple of months - I pushed out a couple more teeth, learned to point with great aplomb, and within the space of a week went from standing in a wobbly fashion to walking all over the place - yay, mobility!

Here is some photographic proof of these great achievements.

Teeth...

Pointing...

Walking around...

I like to walk everywhere. Here is a typical scene where I have decided to walk upstairs and one of the slow old adults is trying to frantically catch me before I fall and damage the marble.

The other big news is that I have relocated to a much more sensible evil lair.
You might notice that my previous residence was a little bit... obvious.

Well, now we have moved into a smaller place, something called an 'apartment', which makes it far more easy for me to blend in with the natives. Actually, I rather like this new place. Despite being the size of our old garage, it is fun to walk around in, and looks like we now live in Tuscany - hopefully this should confuse Interpol.

Thankfully I managed to retain my chair, from which I dispense nefarious commands.

I was a good boy (for once) and helped with the moving process. Here I am packing Uncle Paul's antiques,

Ironically, the movie I am chewing on is 'Babette's Feast'.
As soon as cupboards were empty, I helpfully filled them up again with my own loot.

And of course I understood that sacrifices had to be made, and while the move was in progress I resorted to bathing in the sink...

or even on the balcony.

Of course, none of this a great strain, for I am secretly from a distant planet known to your Earth scientists as 'Krypton'.

Just kiddin'.
So, what else have I been up to?
Well, mum and dad took me to the beach a little while ago. I liked it very much and found myself inspired. I'll bet nobody has ever thought of constructing an underwater lair! Mwahaha! Just call me Stromberg.

We also entered a fun run called 'wharf to wharf' which goes from Santa Cruz to Capitola. It's a six mile run/walk/crawl and with my help mum and dad set a new record of three days, seven hours and two minutes.

All this exercise is turning them into a couple of hotties, check out their latest photograph.

I was too busy hanging ten to be in the picture.

As the more astute among you must know, I recently celebrated my first birthday. I knew this had to be a momentous occasion, and so I went to my friend Cosme's birthday party the weekend before to see how it should be done.
Here's me and Cosme during the math challenge. It was an easy question.

Later I discovered that party hats are the natural enemies of evil geniuses. Yes, I was thrilled.

One element I did enjoy was the ball pool - amazingly the purple ones tasted exactly like eggplant. I was expecting grape, oh well.

Full of balls, it was time to say goodbye. I was sorry to leave, but I had learned a lot, and besides, my diaper was full.

With lots of great ideas, I instructed my alleged parents to throw me a super birthday bash, and they didn't disappoint. Dad spent the afternoon incinerating pieces of flesh on the new BBQ, and mum and me entertained the 30+ guests.
Even though I was surrounded by Gills, the Bakers and Yakes were still stuck in England, missing all the fun. However, they still found a way to join in via FaceBook!

A cake appeared, decorated by dad, and I relished the thought of biting Elmo's face.

For some reason they felt compelled to set light to a small wax statue of Elmo, and mum helped me blow the flame out (almost pulling an MJ in the process. What? Too soon?)

At first they left me with a big hunk of cake to figure out.

But then dad came along and showed me the correct way to shove it into my cakehole with my meaty shovels.

The partying was getting to me, and so I had a power nap before opening my presents.

I fortified myself with a popsicle (ice lolly for my British fans), and then tore into the carefully wrapped gifts.

3.2 seconds later, they were exposed.

I got some very cool presents (thanks everyone, thank you cards will be with you before 2012), but mum and dad were disappointed that I didn't use Aunty Julie's gift correctly. Apparently you are meant to walk along the patterns and make noise, not just play with the on/off switch.

But then I showed them the front of the box.

I'll leave you with some images of my peeps, first mum in an enigmatic, moody light.

Dad.

Uncle Paul.

And the whole Gill/Baker clan!

Whew! This was a long blog!

HJB out.

Ten months old already?

2009-06-15T08:57:00.000-07:00

Greetings future minions,

Again, I feel I must apologise for my tardiness with this new missive, but dad has been hogging the computer again, claiming he has a "ton of work to do". Whatever.

At least I can now bring you up to speed with my world domina... um, humanitarian efforts.

Firstly, I had to remind the one who calls himself 'father', who is actually in charge here. I fooled him into thinking giving me a shoulder ride would be a fun idea - and then I unleashed hell on his balding pate. "Take that - ha ha! Now go and wash it off, then come back and say 'May I have another?'"
You have to keep them in their place.

He's not just a handy target for my whims though - sometimes we share a quality moment together, like this moment when we watched Sesame Street while sharing a teething biscuit.

These things don't really work for me, and judging by my dad's teeth perhaps should quit while I'm ahead. What can I do? I have too much British in me...

I'm looking forward to Halloween this year. You may recall that last year I was forced to wear a humiliating skeleton costume (not my choice) - however, I have been working Granny hard, coercing her to make me a new costume - will I reveal it now? Oh no - ha ha! However, I will show off a nifty set of pajamas that she whipped up the other day. She would make a pair for dad, but we can't afford that much fabric.

While we're on the subject of that ridiculous space fantasy that my parents are pushing on me, I have to admit that it does have its uses. Through osmosis, as I am carried through their vast collection of toys and posters, I believe I have finally tapped into my true nature. It all started when I decided I didn't want to sit in my Bumbo any more at meal times.

It was then that I felt the lure of the darkside. My world became one of lurking in shadows and gurgling menacingly.

Until I finally learned to harness the power of force lightning - and I became Darth Nipper.

But I have said too much already. Back to normal baby stuff.
Here I am in my command center, feigning happiness when all I want to do is get out and crawl around.

We went to my friend Oliver's house the other day for food and games. Oliver's mum showed me this really cool toy - I loved it! For some reason though, a similar device has yet to materialize in my own home.

While there, Uncle Paul taught me the delights of picking suspicious fruits with no regard for personal safety.

But he's still my uncle and I still love him.

Just recently my alleged parents have noticed that my television viewing habits have started to affect me - they can't figure out if this is a result of watching too much Elmo, Clifford, Thomas the Tank Engine or The Exorcist.

While we're on the subject of horror films (we were?), one of dad's leading ladies, Christel, came by the other day. She's jolly nice, and has smashing shoes. However, I had to question the wisdom in allowing her to hold me when I read the press release from the film she stars in - "a voluptuous femme fatale who exacts gruesome revenge on lecherous would-be suitors".

Just yesterday I was invited to my other buddy, Nate's birthday party. he had a thing there called a 'bouncy house'. At first glance it looked rather daunting.

And when I got inside, I realized I was entirely correct.

Well, I have to get going, as mum and dad need this computer again, so I'll leave you with this final image which demonstrates how I am big enough to feed myself now.

Cheerio!

HJB Out.

Happy Mother's Day!

2009-05-10T12:35:00.000-07:00

Hello blind followers of the cult of Harrison,

Today's blog is dedicated to a very special person on a very special day.

ME!

Just kidding. Even though I just turned 9 months old yesterday, I feel it would be remiss of me not to acknowledge my alleged mother who is one of many magnificent matriarchs to be honored on this special day created exclusively by Hallmark.

I love you mum!

Well, now that I've got that out of the way, back to me.

It's been a very interesting month actually, dad had a birthday and mum bought him some balloons. I ask you - are these people really mature enough to raise a child?

On the plus side, I did manage to weasel a decent morsel of dad's icecream cake out of him - and I have decided that this is what I shall be wasting my pocket-money on in the future.

I am a big fan of frozen treats - especially in this terrible time of teething. Mum has a little mesh sucky thing into which she puts ice cubes and frozen baby juice (don't ask me where she gets frozen baby juice from), and which I enjoy sucking on immensely. Sometimes we all get a frozen sucky thing to enjoy and we eat them together.

This month has truly been a period of discovery.
I have discovered how to crawl...

How to grow teeth...

How to sit up and play by myself...

How to show my displeasure when forced to eat cold carrots...

How to stand up and watch my favorite shows...

and how to react when a Girls Gone Wild advert appears on screen...

Normally, dad and I enjoy a sedate period every morning watching my favorite characters, Clifford and Elmo. Here you can see how the camera perfectly captures my father's feigned interest in these shows.

Speaking of dads - I met the final piece in the grandparent puzzle the other day when Grandpa Baker popped in for a visit - here is a stunning family portrait of the Fabulous Baker Boys!

I'd like to wish you all a happy May, and leave you with some more random images.

When I sleep on dad, I wake up with bizarre face-markings. However, I kind of like these, I think they suit a future evil genius.

Mother has proven to be quite frugal in these times of economic strife. Now, instead of separately washing my clothes and then giving me a bath, she just chucks the whole lot in the laundry. Don't worry, I have alerted social services.

Here's me standing up again. I like this upright position - it moves me that much closer to all the fun electrical equipment that taunts me with its flashing lights and beeping noises.

Finally, here's another cute picture for you to print out and stick on your fridge. I'm sorry for all of these stunning photos of me that must be cluttering up your walls, but can I help it if I inherited my dad's good looks?

Until next time,

HJB out.

2009-04-09T17:02:00.000-07:00

Greetings Harry Fans,

So sorry for the long delay between blogs - you can blame my dad. He has been hogging the computer lately doing all sorts of crazy stuff, but he has finally given me a chance to do a bit of catching up on this, my 8 month birthday.
Eight months! Crikey, where does the time go?

To make up for the lack of blogging, I have decided to treat you to a feast of me - what more could you want? Normal service will resume soon!

Here I am at my first Easter egg hunt. Not sure I get the idea behind this one - it seems some bloke was nailed to a bit of wood and everyone celebrates by eating chocolate eggs from a rabbit. What kind of mixed up world have I entered?

Mum and Dad got me a big boy bed. I don't get how this works either. They put me in the middle of it, I go to sleep, and then I wake up like this. What's going on?

Uncle Parm bought me some cool threads - for some reason I move a lot faster when I wear this. It impresses the honeys too.

I am just beginning to figure out this 'crawling' lark. It appears I just flip over and wave my arms and legs in a general direction, and I tend to inch my way over there. Good fun, but my alleged parents keep moving stuff off the floor and higher up...

You know? Sometimes clothes are unnecessary. Like when I'm hanging out in my command center, making important calls to the gang. Nothing better than doing it in the buff without their knowing. Keeps me amused.

Mom is still very comfy.

So is dad.

I believe I have figured out a way to make crawling a bit easier on the knees. All I need is a couple more of these things tied around my waist and voila! Combine this with my Ferrari gear and you'll never catch me, mwahahaha!

Here I am eating a teething biscuit. Teething sucks. I constantly have red cheeks and cry at irregular intervals. It's not all bad though - I've got two teeth already! I'll let the parental units take a photo of them for the next blog.

Do I need to say anything about this photo?

I've been doing some research, and it turns out I was Mother Theresa in a former life. Bit bummed actually, I was hoping for Ghengis Khan.

Sometimes you just gotta stop and smell the roses...

Dad makes me toys every now and then - and I destroy them. For the full details behind this one, go to www.oilbathbubbles.blogspot.com

There are some doubters out there that don't believe I write these blogs myself - well, here is the evidence of me with my laptop - now be quiet.

Mum and dad's friend, Vivianne, came to stay a while back. She is nice, especially when she gives me an ice cube to suck when my teeth hurt.

He may not be perfect, but he's my dad - get your own.

Just me, hanging out. How's things?

Sometimes a kid can be too cool.

Well, that's it - it's been fun! See you next time!

HJB out.

Half a Year!

2009-02-12T09:01:00.001-08:00

Blimey, how time flies!

It only seems like six months ago that I was yanked kicking and screaming out of 'bellyomom' - and since then I have grown steadily heavier and longer. My stats now come in at 18lb 12oz and 2 ft 4 in - I haven't figured out my collar size yet, but judging by the bibs that no longer fit me, it must be fairly humungous.

Life has been fun these past weeks - I've learned to do a lot more stuff and I'm checking out everything in my domain. I'm really happy that my parental units bought me this science laboratory as it has been instrumental in my understanding in how things work and how they can be controlled to suit my whims.

From this laboratory I am able to study the flora and fauna of my land. I now understand how a mock turtle feels...

... and what a frog looks like really close up.

I have even found a fellow explorer who appears to be trapped in some kind of pool -

He looks strangly familiar...

Not all the animals in my kingdom seem to respect me though. There is one fellow in particular who seems to chortle at me at every opportunity he gets. However, I have a roasting pan and an orange with his name on it (Dr. Quackles McDuckdown), so he will soon learn some respect.

I have also been tasting everything I can find in an attempt to find a substitute for milk (which, quite honestly, is losing its novelty value). My jungle gym has some interesting flavors - on this pole the strawberries taste like strawberry, the shnozzberries taste like shnozzberry!

It's not all work, work, work though. I still find time for some fun. I like to play a game called 'pants down, spit up'. This is how it works. First, I drop my pants...

... then, when everyone is distracted by my gorgeous legs, I spit up on Uncle Paul's head.

I never get tired of that one!

Granny Gill has extended her plane ticket so that she can stay here a bit longer. She seems to think that my alleged parents couldn't cope without her - and I'm inclined to agree. Here she is telling me a highly inappropriate joke.

Let's see if I can remember it. Um, there were these three nuns who had died in a car crash and they are waiting outside the pearly gates when St. Peter comes along and... wait a minute - this is a family site right? I'd better stop there.

So what else is new?
Well, I'm going through a miserable period known in select circles as 'teething'. Kinda sucks if you ask me - however, dad is normally on hand with a piece of frozen apple for me to chew on which is both practical and delicious - so it's not all bad.

I also have a new car seat thanks to mom and dad's freinds, Amy and Mike. I'm not sure that this is the correct placement for it though.

I recently hosted a birthday brunch in my honor, and was happy to be able to recruit some new serfs, um, companions who will come in useful during my conquest of the known world.

I'll leave you with a final picture of me (of course), in one of my new favorite shirts (thanks, jk!). Look at me! I'm six months old! I'm cute! Come visit!!!!

Until next time,

HJB out.

Hello 2009!

2009-01-09T14:02:00.000-08:00

Hello loyal followers of the almighty Harrison,

It's my five month birthday today, and I thought I might celebrate by posting a blog all about my wizard xmas (now that dad is finally off the computer).

Firstly though, here is what I look like at five months - I now weigh 17lbs, 5oz!

I have cropped this photo to spare the single women out there some blushes.

I had a splendid xmas BTW. It was my first such event, and I liked it so much that I have requested to do it again at the end of this year - who knows? We might make this an annual occasion. As you can see, I got into the spirit of things straight away.

An even more pleasant surprise was the descent upon my home by hordes of people claiming to be related to me. They brought gifts- so I spared their lives.

Here is someone called 'Lucy', who claims to be my cousin.

And here is another one called 'Sean', who also claims to be my cousin. They can't both be the same relative, so one of them is an imposter.

I also got to meet Nanny Annie, Uncle Neil and Auntie Julie and a couple I had met before, Grandma and Grandpa Gill. Much hilarity was had by all. I was especially happy to see that they had all brought me presents, and I ripped into them with great gusto.

You will notice that I am sitting on my new throne. I strongly believe that every potential super villain should have an imposing chair - and this is mine.

Not only that, but my guillable parents thought they were buying me an exer-saucer, not a highly advanced command center from which I can command my forces. Now I just need to find forces who are happy marching to the tune of 'itsy bitsy spider'.

As a New Year's treat, my extended family took me for a jaunt around something called 'Monterey Bay Aquarium'. It was loud, colorful and smelled vaguely of fish, but I got some great ideas for my lair while I was there. How about this? A trapdoor on an artificial bridge that dumps my unsuspecting minions into a pool of slightly miffed anenomes! Mwahahahahaha!

My insidiousness knows no bounds.

I have some great news to share with you by the way. One of dad's friends, a mysterious fellow who is known simply by the name 'Stooge' is now the proud father of twins! Congratulations to the entire clan - I look forward to recruiting them into my league of diabolical...ness.

I'll leave you with a random collection of me. Happy New Year!

More to come,

until then, HJB out.

2008-12-17T12:27:00.001-08:00

16 weeks, 16 lbs.

2008-12-12T21:08:00.000-08:00

Greetings serfs,

Sorry it's been a while since my last missive, but dad has been hogging the computer lately trying to get his work finished for film school. It was his last day today, and now he is drifting around looking like a lost child. I'll make it my duty to keep him busy.

Well, as you can see, I've hit the big 4, and hit a little over 16lbs on the scales. Everything is going nicely and I am looking forward to xmas, whatever that is.

Check out this great spit up I got mum with the other day. Timed to perfection, stringy, and smelling faintly of ovaltine gone bad. Man, I'm getting good at this...

Every day seems to be a new adventure. I have discovered these things on the ends of my arms which are awesome for waving around and grabbing onto moose for a serious bit of gnawing - yeah, I'm teething too...

I have discovered that if I use these wonderful appendages, I can hang onto monkey's tail and roll over - ha ha! Mobility! Nothing can stop me now!!

I've also been practising singing with dad - all together now - "Deck your balls with bales of holly, tra la la la la, la la, la, la!" I think that's how it goes...

I am also learning how to write - this is a message I recently sent my Auntie in England. She bought me the cool threads by the way!

In other news, I went to my first restaurant last week. It was a Peruvian one in San Jose and I went with mum and dad who were going to say 'happy birthday' and 'cheerio' to dad's friend, Ana, who is heading back to Colombia soon.
Ana is nice. She has warm hands.

I'll leave you with a couple of new shots mum took of me to celebrate my 4 month birthday. She let me have some belly time in just my diaper - on a white blanket no less - she must have been feeling brave!

Well, the house is going to be full of grannies and aunties and uncles and cousins next week - so I'm sure I'll have a whole bunch of new photos to show you soon!

Until then,

HJB out.

Look what I can do!

2008-11-23T23:56:00.000-08:00

Hello subjects, um, fellow citizens...

Well, here I am, fast approaching my fourteenth week here in the the world, and it only seems like I've been here a few months!

I've been doing some serious sleeping on Dad, and have discovered that the top of my itchy bonce fits snugly under his scratchy beard - so I spend most mornings rubbing my scalp on him. I know he loves it - he craves any kind of human interaction, even if he is being used.

Don't think I've been slacking off with my world plans for peace and domination - I take every available moment to contemplate new even more fiendish schemes.

When I finally get a new idea I try not to show it - but I think the parents might be onto me - I have no idea what gives the game away...

In an effort to foster a more creative train of thinking, mum and dad took me to a special exhibition all about some geezer called Leonado Da Vinci. It was all about his inventions, and had nothing to do with his secret code, which was a bit of a let down. Still, he was a clever fellow, and I firmly believe that some of his inventions will come in very useful in the future - especially if I have to storm any battlements. Here is mum showing me around.

And here is dad catching digital butterflies in front of a giant screen while I excitedly snooze.

I have to admit - I think all this stimulation is paying off. These days I take a lot more interest in the books dad reads to me - I am actually concerned for the long eared rabbit in this classic bit of literature.

I have also been practising sitting up - and am very close to doing it all by myself. Let me do it! I'm a big boy!

I'm getting the hand of this standing up lark too. I love locking my knees in place, and sometimes I have a little dance with dad. He's a nut.

At the end of the day though, there's nothing I like better than plonking down in front of the telly with a brewski and the remote and flicking between the Sci-Fi channel and the Girls Gone Wild adverts.

OK - I'll love you and leave you,

Until next time, HJB out.

Three Months Old!

2008-11-10T10:25:00.001-08:00

How time flies.
It's hard to believe that I have gone from this:

to this!

I had a lot of fun during Halloween - it gave me a great opportunity to try out some menacing poses, and I think the costume helped a little bit to sell my role as the baby of death - mwahahaha!

Well, it did until mom put this bib on me that was sent from England by my good pal Bruce. As much as I love my new bib, I feel that it detracts somewhat from the look of malevolence that I was striving for.

Mom and dad are getting a good workout these days whenever they pick me up - my last weigh-in clocked me at 14.5 lbs, that's heavier than dad's bowling ball. In my defense, they did weigh me before a particularly momentous bowel movement, so in actuality I am probably closer to 9 lbs.

So what else is new? Well, I enjoy sucking on my fist which seems to be a great way to communicate to my alleged parents that I am hungry - it works every time. I like to flail my arms and legs around a lot and enjoy gripping various things such as my toy monkey, my rings, mom's hair, dad's chest hair and uncle Paul's wrist hair. I think this is making me very popular.
Speaking of hair, I love getting my hair washed.

However, during these shampoo sessions, I can't help but look at dad's head and wonder if the same fate is going to befall me.

Actually, I do a lot of looking up these. My alleged parents have these things called 'lights' dotted all over the house, and like a moth I just can't tear my eyes away from them. Dad was trying to show me one of his paintings the other day, but I found the light fitting directly above me much more interesting. Says a lot for his technique I think.

Oh well, that's the end of this week's report. Everything is going swimmingly and we are all having fun. I'm looking forward to the end of the year when I will be fought over by a couple of grandmas and treated to my first English-style Xmas right here in sunny California!
I'll leave you with a spooky, disembodied head shot of me. Dad thinks it's cute, but I like to think of it more as a terrifying portrait of mystery and portent.

Until next time, HJB out.

Happy Halloween!

2008-10-31T23:49:00.001-07:00

I'm ready for my close up.

2008-10-26T00:57:00.000-07:00

Just in case you were getting tired of still images of me - here is a little video that my dad made using one of his favorite singers.

He said that on this blog it is pretty 'low rez' - whatever that means - but he added that if anyone wants to download the full rez version in glorious HarryVision please drop him a line and he'll make it available to you through www.2Peer.com

Anyway, here it is.

The more observant among you may have noticed a title change for this blog.

This came about after my personal advisor, mentor and uncle Paul mentioned that future employers might not like to know I was into world domination when they google me before an interview.

I can't say I've been googled before - but I quite like the sound of it.

Having said that - changing a title doesn't have to mean changing one's plans now... does it.

HJB out.

Two Months Old!

2008-10-13T10:56:00.000-07:00

Yes folks, I've reached another milestone.
I feel really old now; there's a touch of stiffness in my knees and my hearing isn't what it used to be.
I think I might be losing my hair too - thanks dad.

Well, things are moving along quite nicely here. I have my parents exactly where I want them. Just one quick squeal and they either change my diaper, feed me or suck stuff out of my nose - sometimes all three at once. I am enjoying some quality time with my alleged parents, dad likes to make me giggle by tickling me mercilessly (I must remember this technique for future interrogations).

Mother seems to take great delight in getting me all dressed up like a fancy man - although I shouldn't complain, as my threads have turned many an eye and seem popular with the ladies.

My 'embarrassing' skin conditions (the acne, and the flaky scalp) appear to be clearing up nicely - thank god I won't have to go through this again...

It hasn't all been fun and games though. Mother and father have finally revealed their true intentions by taking me to a large, gray building where a lady who 'claimed' to be a nurse stuck five, yes FIVE, needles into my pudgy little legs claiming that it was for my own good.
I ask you, does this look like it was for my own good?

I have to admit though, it wasn't long before I had forgotten the pain and began to practice my singing (encouraged by Auntie Bethany).

I have been attempting the scales, but I can't seem to get past Doh, Ray, Me, Me, Me, Me, ME, ME, ME!

Oh, by the way, if you find that your milk supply is running a little low, that is because the Geek Scout attempt to liberate all the milk in Fort Knockers went extremely well - not only that, but on the way back we stopped off in Idaho and acquisitioned all the potatoes, mwahahaha!

In other news, I've been having some fun with Uncle Paul lately. He has finally discovered how easy it is to change my diaper - that's right man - inhale deeply!

Uncle Paul still hasn't figured out why I fart uncontrollably when he puts me on his lap - and he was even more shocked when I finally 'tagged' him with some pee the other day. Could it be the position he has me laying in?

I'll leave you with three of my favorite shots from the past week - first up is lil' ol' me in the jungle - I love my jungle play mat, I can lay in here for ages, chatting with the monkeys and parrots, and because of the constant soundtrack playing overhead, I can now identify over fifteen species of poisonous frogs just by their chirps. This could come in useful.

Here I am in my favorite sleep suit - sadly I am growing too big for it, so I forced father to take my picture in it for posterity's sake. Hoo, hoo, hee hee, they're all after me lucky charms!

Lastly, here is the reason why dad is so far behind on his school work this quarter. What can I say? Sleep is fun.

Until next time, HJB out.

Some random shots for you to coo over.

2008-10-05T14:45:00.000-07:00

It has come to my attention that I am unbearably cute.

So, while I wait to see what my parents have in store for my two month birthday celebrations on Wednesday (I expect this every month now), I thought I might treat you, my loyal subjects, to a selection of my latest portfolio shots.

Before that, however, I have to show you one of the cool presents I received recently.

My good friend, Auntie Melinda, made me this splendid blanket.

It is festooned with father's own doodles - and I love it!

Here I am wriggling on it.

And now, onto the gallery...

I call this one 'baby face'. Clever eh?

This is me blowing bubbles in my sleep.

This next one is a picture of mum feeding me.

This is me sleeping on dad. Again.

And here's me in the buff. Calm down, ladies, there's enough to go around.

Here I am helping myself to a drink. 'Come on woman! Get it out!'

Here's dad burping me. Note the unsoiled t-shirt he is wearing... for now.

And I leave you with one final image. I might use this shot for my book cover.

Until next time,

HJB out.

To sleep, perchance to pee.

2008-10-02T23:13:00.000-07:00

Greetings worshippers,

It's been a mixed bag this week. Firstly I got to meet Grandpa Gill. He's a nice old guy who likes to feed me and always makes me smile.

No sooner had I met him, than he and Granny Gill hopped back on a plane and left - but not for long, I suspect...

Since then, I have done some serious laying around. It takes a toll on one's brain thinking up diabolical plots you know.

My favorite thing to wear while I ponder my plans is my camouflaged sleep sack - bet you can't spot me!

I often fall asleep after a particularly heavy meal - dad calls this a 'milk coma'.
He thinks he's so funny.

I make him pay for his insolence though. I just treat him like a common mattress.

I must admit, one of my favorite places to sleep is in my car seat. I can be making enough noise to wake the dead and wriggling like a sack full of eels - but as soon as they put me in this contraption, I just can't help myself, I'm out like a light. I think they must have installed some kind of hypnotic spray device in the handle or something.

Just lately I have been working on my conversation skills - after all, I'm not going to get very far with my ransom demands if I can't make the United Nations understand my demands. Here I am practising on mother.

Part one. Engage the listener.

Part two. Get annoyed when she doesn't understand.

Part three. Get upset when she thinks I just want a diaper change, not 3 billion in used notes and a helicopter.

Part four. Look at her condescendingly.

Part five. Try to open a dialogue one last time.

Part six. Give up. Blow raspberry.

Part seven. Fall asleep again.

Man, this is hard work.

HJB out.

Please, no pictures!

2008-09-26T16:46:00.000-07:00

Hello all,

Well, things are ticking along nicely here - I'm putting on weight at a phenomenal rate and have stunned the entire household into submission with my rampant flatulance.

The parental units thought it would be a good idea to get some professional photos done of me - or so they thought.

My day began with another splendid bath - I do love these occasions, a chance to get out of that accursed diaper and wave my giblets in the air conditioned breeze of the kitchen.
After a through scrubbing, I like to rest on Granny Gill's shoulder in my 'Rocky' robe.

Once clean and fresh it was time to face the lights. The photographer was jolly nice and made all sorts of childish noises in an attempt to get my attention. She also forced me to use my neck muscles, which I am reluctantly grateful for.

You wouldn't know from this photo that I was beginning to get a bit peed off with this whole process, would you?

I posed for a few nice photos like a good little boy.

We have to wait three weeks for the proper photos to come back - but you should get an idea from these how stunningly cute I decided to be.

After a good 20 minutes of this nonsense, I had had enough - and I put on a good 'meltdown' show just so that they would leave me alone - or better still, go and get me some milk.

In the end, Mum came through with some TLC, and everything turned out rosy.

I'll let you know when the official snaps come back - until then,

HJB out.

I'm a big boy now.

2008-09-18T23:16:00.000-07:00

Hello my loyal followers,

Well, I just got back from the clinic where I had my weekly tune up and oil change - I am now 10lbs 5oz - mum and dad call me 'Harry the bowling ball'.
Everything else checked out OK - a bit of dry skin, but that should clear up soon.

To combat the skin condition, I am getting regular baths, and enjoying them immensely. An added bonus is that with my current 'gassy' problem it's always jacuzzi time in the Gill-Baker household!
Here I am relaxing in my robe after yet another good scrubbing - all I need now is a milktini and my evening would be complete.

Talking of relaxing, I am rapidly growing into my papasan, and loving it. I especially like the way I am dumped in it while my parental units go off and do something fun, like wash my stuff or clean my bottles.

You may wonder why I am putting on weight so quickly - well, one glimpse at one of my feeding bottles should give you a clue.

Actually, it is this size because it is meant to simulate a bosom - father is especially intrigued by this idea and has bought a pair of them for himself, can't imagine why though.

My birth certificate came through the other day, so I am officially legal now. I also have my social security card and opened my first bank account yesterday - that way mum and dad can't get their grubby mitts on my revolution funds. Of course, by revolution funds, I mean charitable efforts. If you would like to make a contribution to my coffers, please send a check made payable to my main charity - Central American School Hospitals.
If that name is too long to write, just write the initials, C, A, S, H instead - I'll make sure it gets to the needy.

Dad likes to remind everyone that my little American body is actually one half English; must be the pasty white half.

Well, I should get going - all this typing makes a guy sleepy.

Not only that, but keeping mum on her toes all day long is taking its toll on both of us - still, she seems to find time to feed herself, so I must be doing something wrong. I shall redouble my efforts!

Until next time,
HJB out.

Meet the Geek Scouts

2008-09-11T16:38:00.000-07:00

Greetings, workers,

I had another check up the other day at the hospital - everything seems to be in perfect working order and I now weigh 9 lbs 4 oz.

I can't really explain this weight gain, except maybe for the fact that I am given inappropriate foodstuffs - like this cake I had for my one month birthday for example.

I also have a warning for any of you thinking of mixing your formulas for supper - look what happened to me - I understand it is called 'giganticism of the foot'.

Now, back to world domination.

For my nefarious schemes to work, I realized that I needed some wily partners - and found them in the form of the Geek Scouts - a super group of two (now three) who have similar plans of world domination through the use of knot tying and slide rules.

I have enlisted their help in my first plan - an attempt to steal the entire milk reserves of the United States, currently being housed in a heavily fortified building known as Fort Knockers. Our plans are top secret (until one of us learns how to write them down) but I will keep you posted on our progress.

The Geek Scouts: (left to right) Nate 'The Hawk' Laursen; Harry 'The Unpleasant Surprise' Baker and Oliver 'The Bus' Schulte.

They are my new BFF's - and I anticipate many marvelous adventures for us in the future!

Speak to you soon,

HJB out.

Happy Birthday to Me!

2008-09-09T11:12:00.000-07:00

Yep - I have reached the milestone of one month.
That's one month of eating, sleeping, pooping and sleeping.

To celebrate this great achievement, father gave me a rather special present.
He said it is a one of a kind 'Mighty Mugg' - and will start me off on my quest to collect as many of these toys as possible, thus foresaking my college fund.

I think not, daddy - world domination does not come cheap.

Here's the daddy-style Mighty Mugg.

And here's me sleeping with it.

Until next time, HJB out.

Of Domination and Hygiene.

2008-09-07T12:23:00.000-07:00

Hello again, minions,

My plans for world domination are progressing smoothly, if a little slowly. I had not anticipated this inability to walk or use a telephone to last quite as long as it has - but I am confident that I will be calling in the first air strikes within the month.

In the meantime, I am continuing to practice looking cute, as I find this helps me bend the will of lesser mortals to my every whim. Here is one face I have been working on.

I have also tried smiling, as this seems to endear me even more to these servants who live only to feed me and wipe my bottom.

But of course, as soon as their backs are turned, I am up to my usual tricks, formulating new world domination plots and other nefarious schemes - mwahahaha.

I like to share my insidious plans with my closest confidant - monkey. I like monkey, he doesn't judge me, nor does he blab his mouth off to the rozzers (that's slang for cops, I picked that up from dad).

I am not taking this future role of world leader lightly, and am ensuring that I look my best for all upcoming engagements.
This includes a trip to Uncle Paul's gym, where I work my guns until I feel the burn.

Then I insist on a quick manicure - one doesn't want to be caught shaking hands with fellow despots with unsightly fingernails.

Then it is time for a bath. My caretakers' first attempts with bathing me left a little bit to be desired. Oh, it all started out sensible enough. I waited patiently in my tub while they fussed around trying to get the water temperature right.
OK - not really that patiently - I mean, c'mon, how hard can it be to add equal amounts of hot and cold water?

Once they figured out what they were doing, the actual bathing bit was extremely pleasurable. The shower-head got water into crevices even I didn't know I had.

When it was all over they wrapped me in a towel - and thought the entire operation had gone smoothly.

How little they knew.
I had neglected to tell them that the rubber stopper in the base of the bath was not in place - so all the time father was showering me, the water was running out of the bottom of the tub, all over the floor and mostly down granny who was helping at the time.

Score another soaking for HJB!

Until next time, HJB out.

Three weeks down, quite a lot more to go...

2008-09-03T13:53:00.000-07:00

Hello, Harry Fans,

Time to share some new photos with you I think.

It was a sad day for me today as Auntie Rajwant left to go back to Ottawa.
Now who is going to massage my feet with baby lotion? It's not easy doing your own manscaping when you have no real neck muscles.

Auntie Rajwant was also pretty good at burping me.
This is less painful than it looks - actually I often fall asleep in this position.

This is one of my favorite bibs.
I have spit up on this one quite a few times now...

Uncle Parm has come to see me this week. I like him, he makes me laugh.

He is also pretty handy with a bottle of milk. Good job, sir!

I have to admit though - this cuisine they keep serving up to me leaves something to be desired - how about a little variety?
"Milk? Again?"

After a hearty meal, there's nothing I like better than hanging out with my animal friends in my super cool jungle that Gregory, Stephanie and Oliver bought me.
In this place I am king of my domain, and I protect all those who come here, for I am Harry, Lord of the Jungle - ahhhh aha ah aha ahhhhhh!!!!

Sometimes, when I just need some quality time alone, I lounge around in my papasan that Auntie Shelly Bean bought me - it's dead comfy!

However, when I get the chance I like to sneak onto Mum and Dad's bed and stare out of the window. I've formulated many a devious plan on these soft sheets. I've soiled them once or twice too.

I hope you've enjoyed this romp through a typical day for lil' ol' me - more to come!

HJB out.

My many names.

2008-08-30T19:39:00.000-07:00

Greetings, minions,

It appears that my parents are not content to label me with just the two names - as they insist on calling me many different names every other day. It all gets rather confusing.

For example, on most days I am Harrison, and sometimes Harry, and then I am invariably called 'little guy' whenever they get me out of the crib.

Uncle Paul calls me 'floppy', especially when I take a nap in his lap.

Whenever I do something spectacular in my pants, mother calls me 'squidgy', 'squelchy' or 'stinky' - I wish she'd make her mind up.

Whenever I kick my blankets off (every time they put them on me), father calls me 'Harry Houdini'.

Mother also calls me 'squirmy' whenever I wriggle and push my feet against her. Smell them, woman!

On another note, I nearly forgot to show you the flowers (on the left) that Neil and Agnese sent to me all the way from Australia (whatever that is)! The pathetic bunch on the right was from father - he obviously must have done something wrong again.

And last but not least, here is my favorite hat and sucky thing. They were given to me in hospital, and remind me of that jolly time when they were sticking needles in my legs and pressing cold stethoscopes against my... wait a minute...

Until next time,

HJB out.

Me, me, me!

2008-08-29T11:43:00.000-07:00

It appears that Granny Annie has been bugging father over his inability to update my blog every day - so I have given him permission to add some new photos to this site.
Father will be reprimanded.

Here is father and me napping after after a particularly long day of pooping and eating (and that was just him).
People say we look similar - I don't see it...

My parents are getting so lazy now that I have to hold my own bottle - I'm only 20 days old for crying out loud (which I do, frequently).
Do you like my snazzy new gloves? They are being used to stop me scratching at my baby acne - how embarrassing.

Usually while I am feeding, I get a moment to think up another diabolical scheme. In this picture I just thought of one.
Excellent...

Here's a closer shot of my acne - I tried to tell father that cooking oil was no substitute for baby lotion, but he wouldn't listen.

Whilst lounging on the couch, watching CSI - Changing Table, I like to fashion a crude nest for myself from discarded blankets and boppy cushions.

I call this my Hugh Hefner pose - I've just emptied the contents of a bottle and now I'm kicking back and waiting for the bottom rumbles to begin.
Hello, ladies...

I'm practising yoga to keep in shape - it also helps with digestion.
I call this the 'broken windmill'.

One of my grandmas has come to visit - I call this one Granny Gill. She seems to be unable to let go of me - she must have something sticky on her hands (possible leakage - my bad).

One of my aunties is visiting too - this is Auntie Rajwant. She is very nice - she massages my feet every day with baby lotion. A guy could get used to this.

Finally, here I am in my jedi robes. I'm hoping a kindly couple of moisture farmers will adopt me and help me fulfill my destiny. Failing that, I can always use mind tricks on my weak minded parents.
'Gooo aand get meee some miiilllkkk...'

Hope that's enough to keep you happy - more soon!

HJB out.

Pee King - Duck!

2008-08-22T09:12:00.000-07:00

Greetings, minions,

Well, I thought you might like to know that phase one of my global domination plans is in effect.

Phase one, code-named 'Operation Breakdown', is designed to destroy the will of my parents, thus making them easier to manipulate when it comes to doing complicated things, or getting stuff down that I'm too small to reach.

Father was relatively easy. Firstly I made sure he was tired. I did this through the utilization of random and completely irrational whimpering followed by a grimace as I forced yet another mustard-colored, cottage cheese surprise into my underwear.

The final straw came when he changed me after a particularly abundant bowel movement. I waited until he had fully clothed me before filling my diaper once more. As he proceeded to change me for a second time, I waited until the perfect moment, then peed all over him, ruining a third diaper and crushing his spirits once and for all.

He is now mine.

I do the same to mother, but she is proving to be a tougher nut to crack. here, let me demonstrate...

Step One - the innocent look. Draw the victim closer with cuteness. That's right - come a little closer...

Step Two - pick the moment. A shifty glance to the side shows that she is distracted - I pick this moment to cause a squelching cacophony in my diaper.

Step Three - the nonchalant wait. I make it appear as if nothing more is going to happen than a routine diaper change. Nope. Nothing to see here. Move along.

Step Four - I strike! With precise aim I hit my target, increasing the laundry needs of the house by 100%. Mother stares in disbelief.

Step Five - maniacal laughter. A good 'Mwahahaha' helps to seal the deal I find.

I get the feeling that mother will have to be 'marked' a few more times before she bends to my will - but I have plenty of time, and my water pistol is always loaded.

I must admit, I sometimes feel a little bad about peeing on mother (not dad though).
After all, we have shared some quality napping times together.

I met Uncle Paul too the other day.

He's OK - but he won't hold me long enough for me to give him a special diaper present. I must think of something else...

HJB out.

One week old!

2008-08-16T13:49:00.000-07:00

Hello fans,

Some of you out there in the real world have been demanding to see some more pictures - and it would be wrong to deny you of your daily dose of lil' ol' me, so here is a quick update on my first week on the outside of bellyomom.

I believe I mentioned before that I like to sleep on mother - she is most certainly the comfiest thing in this new house.

Sometimes, after a good feeding, I just zonk out right there and then, and I dream of milk.

In fact, I can sleep pretty much anywhere.

Even my bed is comfy - but only if I'm wearing the right attire.
You may notice the Bugs Bunny band-aid on my little leg - I had my first Hep B shot today (whatever that is).
Dad said I was a good boy and hardly cried at all. Of course not - that would not be very becoming of a future despot.

When I'm feeding I like to flex my feet in opposite directions - mum can't stop looking at them - get a grip, woman!

Yes - that's right, a firm grip like me.
I'll let go when I've drunk enough, and not before.

See you next time!

HJB out.

Did I mention that I love my mum?

2008-08-14T12:54:00.000-07:00

We're home!

HJB out

A Considerate Son

2008-08-12T23:37:00.000-07:00

Check out what I got my mum for her birthday!

Admittedly, I had a little bit of help from father - he is much handier with scotch tape and wrapping paper than I am, but let's face it - without me, this gift would be rubbish.

She had a nice day - I gave her a couple of extra presents (in my diaper) and the nurses brought her a cake!

We're coming home tomorrow! Yay!

HJB out.

Hi there.

2008-08-12T00:40:00.000-07:00

It's mother's birthday today (the 12th) - quite a coincidence since it was my birthday only the other day!

I love my mum.

HJB out.

Want more?

2008-08-11T01:09:00.000-07:00

My future minions have been crying out for more information - so here it is.

I was born on August 9th at 21:21 by cesarian section due to a couple of minor complications. All this means now is that I can only leave the house through the upstairs window rather than the front door.

Here is my first introduction to this world. Trust me, I have the names and numbers of these fellows.

All is going swimmingly here; I am being treated extemely well by the nice doctors and nurses, and mother and father have been getting to know me through excessive facial posturing and cheek stroking. I must say, mother is even more lovely than I had dared hope for!

We are really looking forward to going home, although I understand we have to stay in this building for a few more days while mother recuperates from her surgery. I can't help feeling a little bit guilty about that - sorry mom.

It's her birthday on Tuesday - looks like we'll be celebrating in bed!

I think father is the only one who realizes what he has unleashed upon the world - he must be dealt with, and swiftly...

Oh, and about the name change.

Mother was determined to find an Indian name for me, and after rejecting father's suggestions (namely Harrison Tikka Baker, Harrison Poppadum Baker and Harrison Big Chief Shaking Goat Baker), she found a most suitable name - Jaan.

Jaan is a word used in the Indian language; in Punjabi it means 'life' and in Hindu it means 'lifeforce'. Father was pleased that the force finally got in there somewhere...

Until next time,

HJB out.

Hello!

2008-08-10T01:49:00.001-07:00

Surprised? So were mother and father!

I couldn't wait any longer - I just had to get out and see the world I will one day rule with a soft, pink fist.

We are all very tired at the moment - watch this blog over the next week for all the gory details - in the meantime, here are the stats that everyone seems to be so peculiarly interested in...

Name: Harrison Jaan Baker (yes - there was a name change - details to follow).
Size: Pretty decent for a three week early baby I would say.
Weight: 6 lbs, 12 ozs.
Hair: Dark.
Eyes: Grey/Blue.
Skin: Pinky white - how'd that happen?
Thighs: Like tugboats.
Brain: The size of a planet.
Prospects: Considering I am the spawn of a couple of weirdos - remarkably good.

Speak to you soon!

HJB out.

WATCH THIS SPACE!

2008-08-08T20:23:00.000-07:00

Something's coming....

Showering with Friends

2008-07-19T12:47:00.000-07:00

Hello there, Harry-Watchers!

Yes, I know it's been a while since my last report, but lots of things have been going on here in Belly-o-Mom and I've had to adjust my kicking and squirming schedule accordingly.

Father is up to his armpits in films, animation and online English writing courses, but he is managing to stay on top of things with great dedication to the ancient arts of procrastination and last minute panic.

Mother is looking healthy, one might say glowing with an inner maternal light, and I think she is still enjoying carrying me around and making frequent trips to the bathroom. I have to admit that I am feeling a little guilty though, for it has transpired that I have given her something called 'Gestational Diabetes'. This means that she has to test her blood sugar every day, and has stopped eating bread which previously made up 98% of her diet.
Uncle Paul and father have tried to be supportive, but I really don't think they understand what mother is going through.
Still, she's enduring these little pricks for my sake - and the needles aren't much better.

One upside of my solitary confinement is the ability to live vicariously through mother without having to clean up afterwards, and nowhere was this more evident than at something called a 'baby shower', which appeared to be thrown in my honor.

This was a spectacular event, all organised by Auntie Pam, Auntie Pilar and Auntie Jyoti and including many fun games and lots of yummy food (which made it to me eventually).

One of the games was the dirty diaper game, where folks had to guess what I had eaten merely by their sense of smell.

Just wait until I'm out and filling these parcels myself - I don't think father will be quite so willing so stick his schnozz in then!

My parental units then displayed their skills with diaper changing.

I'm a bit worried about father's level of care, but on the flip side I am excited to learn that I have a cool, black brother.

A little later in the day some ice cream cake came sliding down my way. Through my navel periscope I could see that the cake was adorned with my namesake.

I forsee tiny costumes being made for me one day - oh boy, I'm never going to get a girlfriend...

All of the attendees brought gifts (but no gold, frankenstien or myrrh) and father proudly modelled his diaper bag which, he claims, might have room for a diaper after he has put his wallet, phone, keys, water bottle and Nintendo DS in it.

The excitement was too much for me, and I had to resort to kicking mother for the rest of the night just to make sure she was still awake and enjoying herself - I think she appreciated my gesture.

Well, I'm off now. We are getting ready to fly to a place called 'Atlanta' next week. I always thought it was a lost underwater city, but I guess they must have found it and dried it out.

Cheerio for now,

HJB

"Still a boy!"

2008-06-26T13:32:00.000-07:00

Greetings and salutations, followers of the Almighty Harrison,

It's been a frantic couple of weeks for your favorite foetus.

I've been pretty busy growing new bits and pieces and plumping out the other bits and pieces, and I'm happy to report that everything is in perfect working order.

My alleged parents took me to see another of these 'moving picture shows' that seem to be so popular with the outside world. It was called The Incredible Hulk and from what I could tell it involved a lot of shouting and trouser splitting (which is nothing new to father).

Interestingly, the film had a perculiar effect on me - I'm not sure if this was a normal growth spurt or a direct result of the on-screen gamma radiation - but I grew substantially the following evening. Mother was quite surprised, I can tell you.

During my latest routine check up, the doctor at the hospital was also surprised by my size, and ordered a fresh batch of portraits of me for her living room wall. During the ultrasound, the nice lady with the magic camera and warm gel pointed out the wispy hair on my head and my chubby cheeks. I must have got the hair from mother and the chubby cheeks from father. Here is the most recent image. I have added some guides to help you spot me...

It was during this modelling session that the nice lady proclaimed, "Still a boy!" when she glimpsed the package between my legs, before promptly fainting (presumably with delight). Now, I don't want to make a big fuss about my appendage, but let's just say you can buy one of these for $5 at Subway.

Father is still emotionally disturbed after attending a breast-feeding seminar with mother the other night. I for one picked up many interesting tips...

Here is a current picture of the state of bellyomom - mother has her head turned away as she didn't have any make up on. Father said "That's what photoshop's for."
He is still nursing his bruises.

Actually, I was wondering if one of you, my dear readers, could contact UNICEF for me, as my mother has already started putting me to work. I realise that father may have some quaint ideas about selling me into child slavery as soon as I reach five, but mother has gone too far, utilizing my skills before I'm even out of the womb - it's an outrage!

OK - I'm off to do some kicking and poking, speak to you again soon!

HJB.

P.S. I hope you appreciate the 31 week bum shot I have procured for you at the top right... seriously, I have no choice over these angles.

Father done good.

2008-06-14T10:07:00.000-07:00

Greetings, subjects,

Well, it's been a steamy couple of weeks. The weather outside my prison has been getting hotter and hotter, and bellyomom has been warming up at an alarming rate.
I watched a fascinating documentary the other day titled 'An Inconvenient Womb', and if the large presenter was correct, I can only expect the temperature to keep rising! I have taken steps to reduce this crisis, namely by recycling everything that comes my way via mother's gullet, and reducing my emissions - although the same can't be said for father.

I have a new game that I like to play with my alleged parents. I call it 'Pokey Mom'.
The idea is to give her a good hard kick and then, when she retaliates by prodding at me with her finger (or even worse, telling the balding oaf to lay his sweaty mitts on me) I quickly shuffle over to another position and kick even harder. This game can go on all night, and frequently leads to much hilarity on my part, and frequent bathroom breaks on mother's part.

It appears that I will be getting photographed again very soon, since during the last doctor visit it was suggested that I was a little large for my age. Ha! These quacks know nothing! I had merely fashioned the placenta into a head shape and was holding it above my own when the doc felt for me - still, it means I might have another piccy of me for you to hang on the wall next the others (you are framing and mounting my portraits aren't you?).

Now, to address my vaguely illiterate title.
It appears that my alleged father (the bald, stout one) does indeed try to work hard at school. During the annual film show at his school, he not only showed one of his short animated films (to some acclaim) but was honored with one of the highest awards that the school can bestow on a student. Here is a crude facsimile of his achievement.

Now he just needs to find a job, after all, the money he won along with this award isn't going to be enough to keep me in the manner in which I intend to become accustomed.

In other news - my newest best buddy was born a couple of days ago! Madeline Margaret Wood Hooper was born to my alleged parents' good friends, Roy and Julia. I've seen the photos and she's pretty hot, even for a scrunched up newborn, so hands off you other mugs, I've got her number.

Until next time,

HJB out.

Indiana Baker and the Diaper* of Doom.

2008-05-28T20:18:00.000-07:00

*That's 'nappy' for all my non-American future minions.

Greetings, loyal subjects,

It's been a busy couple of weeks here in bellyomom. The female (which I have dubbed 'mother') is keeping me well supplied with milk, fruit and chocolate, and I am rewarding her nightly with a little something I like to call the leg stretch serenade. As soon as I feel her getting comfy, I let fly with a couple of doozies, just to remind her how grateful I am for putting me up for these past months.
I have also perfected the art of laying completely still whenever the balding oaf places his hands on the exterior of my pad.
I live to hear him complain.

Onto the main thrust of my missive.

It appears that my alleged parents recently threw a party for four days, calling it 'NobbyCon' and inviting nerds from all over the country to come and revel in the delights of something called 'Indiana Jones'. They appeared to be having a jolly time - even when the balding oaf pulled out bugs and chilled monkey brains and expected his guests to eat them.

With my navel periscope I was able to join in the fun as they took me to the cinema once again and subjected me to pounding noise and thrilling adventures featuring a very old man in a nice hat. Everyone seemed to be very happy, and none more so than my alleged parents, especially when some of the guests pulled out baskets of gifts for me - yes me.

I must say I was rather touched, and peered on with great interest as they pulled out item after item, each one very useful to a small chap like me, and mostly depicting a Star Wars theme (whatever that is).

Here, just take a look at the pile of presents I received (I've just got out of the darkwomb where I've been developing these prints).

Quite a haul, eh?

It would appear that I have more aunties and uncles than I first anticipated!

Along with Uncle Paul, Uncle Parm, Auntie Julie and Uncle Big Neil, I now have:
Auntie Robin AKA Jedi Master Mina; Auntie Missy AKA Hansgirl; Auntie Julie AKA Jazzie; Auntie Kathy AKA Galactic Babe; Auntie Melinda AKA JediMelindaWolf; Auntie Bethany AKA jediprincess77; Auntie Stacy AKA Senator Soph-ia; Auntie Erika AKA E&HF5, Uncle YZ and Auntie Rachelle AKA Stooge and Stoogess; Auntie Marie and Uncle Terry AKA Granny and Hubby Wan; Auntie Carrie AKA PS77; Auntie Erica AKA Anakinside1; Auntie Pam AKA Amidalooine; Uncle Troy and Auntie Brandy AKA T-Bone and Wifey; Auntie Jay AKA Mo2YP; Auntie Lisa AKA Pug; Auntie Lisa 2 AKA Oboe-Wan; Auntie Michelle AKA Shelly Beanz and Uncle Tommy AKA Deej!!

I'm one lucky little guy.

And so it begins...

2008-05-18T09:02:00.000-07:00

Good day, future minions,

I had long suspected that my guards, the one known as mother and the one known as baldy, were slightly geeky. Yesterday confirmed my fears.

Through extensive use of my navel periscope and by pressing my semi-formed ear to the wall of 'bellyomom', I was able to acertain that my alleged parents had taken me to yet another 'convention'. Let me tell you, there is nothing conventional about these events, unless a large, musty hall filled with large, musty nerds buying large, musty toys and comics is indeed conventional.

However, I threw myself into the swing of things, and even wore my foetus grade spock ears (not that anyone noticed) in an attempt to blend in a little better.

After much traipsing around various stands, and spending my future college fund on assorted, unnecessary baubles, my guardians finally arrived at a table where a young man from New Zealand sat and chatted to them for a long time about something called Star Wars, and the starvation tactics used by someone called George to make him scowl on set. This young man was an actor called Daniel Logan, and it appears that he portrayed something called 'Young Boba Fett' in something called 'Attack of the Clones'.

This is all very confusing for a foetus.

As the conversation continued, though, I discovered that he was an extremely nice fellow, and extremely willing to write his name on photographs of himself for other people. When he saw my carrier's swollen belly, he immediately insisted on writing his name on one of these photographs for me - and here it is!

My alleged parents were delighted, and I must say I was rather touched by his generosity. So much so, that I think I've developed a taste for gathering people's names on photographs.
Mother, father, take me to another convention, immediately!

"Hello everybody. My name is Harrison, and I am a geek."

Winding up father

2008-05-08T18:04:00.000-07:00

Salutations subjects,

Well, it's been a week since my irresponsible parents took me to see Iron Man, and my amniotic sack is still quivering.

Other than subjecting a poor, innocent foetus to the pounding soundtrack of a summer blockbuster, my guards appear to be treating me just fine. We went for our monthly check-up today, and the nice Dr. Crowe said that mother's blood pressure and weight are perfect, and that I am growing at a goodly rate. Here is evidence to prove it.
You will notice I have finally finished the extension I have been working on.

I currently have a rather jolly wheeze going on with my alleged father. I kick and bounce around, all to my mother's chagrin, at which point she insists on grabbing father's hand and forcing him to feel her belly. However, as soon as I sense his sweaty mitt in my proximity I lay perfectly still - thus causing much disappointment and antagonism in the outside world. Well, I have to find something to do to stop myself going stir-crazy.
I have heard father remark on several occasions that he intends communicating with me via rhythmic tapping on the outer wall of 'Bellyomom', much in the same way naked mole rats communicate with David Attenborough.
Father is an idiot.

On a lighter note, I thought you might like to see the latest fashions that every well-heeled baby should be wearing this Fall.

The first outfit came from an old lady who claims to be my grandparent, and who shall henceforth be known as 'Short Round'. She believes I will be a pilot - well, it's true, I like a drink...

The second top came all the way from jolly old England, sent by the woman who shall henceforth be known as 'Granny Annie' - she has good taste - I think I like robots.

The third outfit came from my guards, who saw it at WonderCon (some type of nerd gathering place) and just had to buy it. Listen, if I went around around buying the first things I saw, then we would be up to our knees in gloop and stomach lining.

And so, I must bid you adieu. It's time to start kicking again as I can detect that mother has got comfortable on the new couch and is thinking about having a nap.

We'll soon see about that!

Boom, Boom, Shake the Womb!

2008-05-03T10:05:00.000-07:00

We meet again - but this time I have the upper hand!

Yes, 'tis I, the handsomest foetus in this whole land (that I have recently dubbed 'Bellyomom')

I have some interesting updates for you, namely a new photograph of my home (you will see it is getting larger, I had an extension put on) and some images of baby clothes that my hopeless parental units claim they will be using to cover up my shame when I am finally out of this accursed cell. However, that blog will just have to wait a while, as I must share with you my newest adventure.

Not only has the patriarch of my future family been playing his ridiculously thumpy music in the car every time we travel somewhere in the hope that I will learn to sleep through it, but both he and the female thought it would be a good idea to take me to see something called a 'Summer movie'. According to my Gregorian calendar, Summer is nowhere near, and I believe my fears have been realised - their minds are indeed scrambled.
All the easier to dominate I suppose.

On the car ride to our new destination, the male guard kept wittering on about somebody called Iron Man, and how it would be 'good for Harry to experience his first loud movie'.

Number one, it's Harrison, you idiot, and number two.... well, he shall face the wrath of my number twos in a few months, so we have that to look forward to.

Moments later we were enclosed in a dark room and my carrier began sending pieces of heat expanded corn my way. Extraordinary stuff, and yet strangely delicious.

Suddenly, it was "Good, Good, Good... Good Vibrations" (I hope you are appreciating the musical theme of this entry, it's not easy Googling appropriate song titles when one's fingers are so tiny and there's barely enough room in here for me and a keyboard (thank heavens for flat screen monitors)) as the event unfolded.

Via my navel periscope I was able to make out some blurred images of something shiny and loud, and with each successive supersonic boom or mighty punch to a swarthy solar plexus, the walls of Bellyomom shook in a most pleasing manner.
I must say, I rather enjoyed this 'Iron Man'. I know the parental units did and they wouldn't stop jabbering on about it as we drove home.

I did another search and was able to find a decent poster to print out and pin to the lining of my cell - Iron Man is surely a hero and role model to growing babies everywhere, after all, anyone who endorses the consumption of liver and spinach must surely be sound of mind and strong of moral fibre.

Well, I must adjourn, but until the next blog (which will be along in a few short days) I will leave you with this thought... if vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

Later, HJB.

A picture of my prison.

2008-04-13T15:07:00.000-07:00

Hello again, future minions,

I thought you might like to see a photograph of my current dwellings - the stripes are rather fitting, wouldn't you say?

The female is doing very well, thank you, although I often hear through the 'gripe-vine' that it's getting too hot for her.

Indeed - the weather in this neck of the womb is balmy to say the least.
Not only is there a lot of moisture in here, but the sweat rushing off my father's greasy pate right now could power a small Peruvian village - if they had a decent understanding of hydro-electricity stations and weren't too busy bothering their llamas.

I have been giving mother a few reminders these past few nights as to my current agitation, and she claims that my movements feel like bubbles of trapped gas.

If only she knew. It so happens that my experiments with methane pockets have proven quite fruitful - and, suffice to say, I think we can look forward to an explosive birth!

20 weeks to go... ooh, the anticipation!

Another week down - 20 to go....

2008-04-10T22:36:00.000-07:00

Greetings, fervent followers of all that is Harrison,

Well, the parental units took me to see Dr. Crowe again today. She cooed and twittered and said that my carrier is in tip-top health and that I appear to be doing very well.
She listened to my heartbeat again and they all marvelled at how strong it sounded - of course it did, I was working out at the time.
It turns out Fisher Price make step-masters for any size womb, and I've been putting mine to good use - after all, I don't want to end up like my alleged 'father'.

Yes, I've seen him, now that I've had this periscope added to my prison (it sticks out of my carrier's belly button - it was navel surplus). I can see everything that goes on. And I don't like it. I don't like it one bit.

I had the impression that I was being born to a couple of high socialites - not a would-be filmmaker and a shoe fetishist. Ah well, you can't choose your family, eh?

At least they seem to be taking me seriously now, attending furniture safety classes and looking at car seats in catalogues.

I think it's slowly dawning on them that I am indeed a reality, and that in 20 week's time it will all be about me.

Me, me, ME!

Baby update! My parents can stop calling me 'it' now!!

2008-04-03T18:47:00.000-07:00

Greetings loyal subjects,

Baby Gill Baker here with another staggering update for you.

My parental units took me to get some more photos taken today, it seems the last batch all sold out.

Here is one of my new ones - I turned my head away at the last second so that they couldn't see I was eating a pepperoni stick.

Anyhoo, in the course of the ultrasound, the nurse made a staggering discovery - and announced to my guards that they were expecting a baby boy!

Well duh, I could have told them that if they'd bothered to ask me. I've known I was a boy for ages, ever since I made the mistake of thinking I had two umbilical cords.

Here's the proof! (I think it's still legal to show my bits online like this).

This works out well for them, as nobody they told seemed to like the name Olivia Buttercup - I always saw myself as a bit of a Harrison anyway, and that's my user name in my chatwomb, so it has all come together nicely.

So there you have it. The male parental unit now has an heir to his vast Star wars collection, and the female parental unit will soon be rushing out to buy packets of pee-pee teepees.

Until we meet again,

Harrison James Baker out.

EDIT: By the way, I should mention that the amniotic fluid was pretty cold today. Just mentioning...

Heart of Dorkness

2008-03-13T14:03:00.000-07:00

Greetings, future loyal subjects,

Baby Gill Baker here with an update for you.

Well, my guards took me to visit the person who claims to be a 'doctor', and she poked and prodded for a while, before holding some kind of 'listening device' against my captor's belly.

After a while, once the various gurgles and farts had been filtered out, they were able to listen to my heartbeat, which, according to the doctor, was "strong and healthy".

Little did they know that I was in the middle of watching Die Hard 4 on Blu-Ray, which might have explained the rapid beats.

Why Blu-Ray?
Do you have any idea what DirecTV is charging for cable into this place?

I have the next ultrasound scheduled for April 10th - so I'd better look for some new threads before the picture is taken - got to look good for my adoring fans.

BGB out.

What's in a name?

2008-03-05T11:06:00.000-08:00

Hello again,

Well, we are 15 weeks into this ordeal, and still no sign of whether my appeal for release has been accepted.
On the plus side, this gives me more time to plot my eventual domination of this world...

I have already had a request from a fellow captive, Baby Wood Hooper, who suggests we join forces. This is a good idea, I believe in strength in numbers.
Baby Wood Hooper, if you are reading this, I will be setting up a chatwomb shortly where we can discuss our plans in peace.

In the meantime, I have heard through the grapevine (actually, through the belly button) that my 'guards' are already thinking up names for me upon release.

If I am a boy, they seem pretty set on Harrison James Baker. Supposedly I am being named after some carpenter and part time actor. Actually, I rather like the name Harrison - shorten it to Harry.
"'ello, my name's 'arry Baker, an' if you don't like 'ospital food then you better watch yer mouth, sunshine."
Yes - I like this name.

If I turn out to be a girl, then their job is a bit trickier.
The male guard seems set on Olivia Buttercup Baker, but the one carrying me in her chocolate chip cookie lined pod isn't so sure. She keeps tossing out new names every other day. I'm rather partial to Amazonia or Apocalyptica, but there seems to be no way to convey this to my idiot guards.

Until next time, BGB out.

The Invasion Begins!

2008-03-04T11:41:00.000-08:00

Welcome to my blog.

My name is Baby Gill Baker, and I haven't decided if I am going to be a boy or a girl yet.

I think daddy wants a boy so that he can play Star Wars with me, but mummy wants a girl so that she can go shoe shopping with me.

I've decided I will try to be a bit of both so that we can go shopping for Star Wars shoes.

My plans for world domination are secret at the moment, but as soon as I am out of here, you will all be trembling at my feet, mwahahahaha!

I will update this blog with reports about doctor visits (apparently the fluid at the back of my neck is jolly nice and mummy has the body of a 20 year old), food cravings (burgers, chocolate, no change there then) and things daddy has done wrong (everything, all the time), and in the meantime I'll leave you with some beautiful pictures of me.