Wha? Where am I? How old am I?

Hello minions!

My profound apologies for the delay between entries, but feel free to blame my father and scowl at him as you pass him on the street.

So much has happened in the last couple of months - I pushed out a couple more teeth, learned to point with great aplomb, and within the space of a week went from standing in a wobbly fashion to walking all over the place - yay, mobility!

Here is some photographic proof of these great achievements.

Teeth...


Pointing...


Walking around...




I like to walk everywhere. Here is a typical scene where I have decided to walk upstairs and one of the slow old adults is trying to frantically catch me before I fall and damage the marble.


The other big news is that I have relocated to a much more sensible evil lair.
You might notice that my previous residence was a little bit... obvious.


Well, now we have moved into a smaller place, something called an 'apartment', which makes it far more easy for me to blend in with the natives. Actually, I rather like this new place. Despite being the size of our old garage, it is fun to walk around in, and looks like we now live in Tuscany - hopefully this should confuse Interpol.


Thankfully I managed to retain my chair, from which I dispense nefarious commands.


I was a good boy (for once) and helped with the moving process. Here I am packing Uncle Paul's antiques,


Ironically, the movie I am chewing on is 'Babette's Feast'.
As soon as cupboards were empty, I helpfully filled them up again with my own loot.


And of course I understood that sacrifices had to be made, and while the move was in progress I resorted to bathing in the sink...


or even on the balcony.


Of course, none of this a great strain, for I am secretly from a distant planet known to your Earth scientists as 'Krypton'.


Just kiddin'.
So, what else have I been up to?
Well, mum and dad took me to the beach a little while ago. I liked it very much and found myself inspired. I'll bet nobody has ever thought of constructing an underwater lair! Mwahaha! Just call me Stromberg.


We also entered a fun run called 'wharf to wharf' which goes from Santa Cruz to Capitola. It's a six mile run/walk/crawl and with my help mum and dad set a new record of three days, seven hours and two minutes.


All this exercise is turning them into a couple of hotties, check out their latest photograph.


I was too busy hanging ten to be in the picture.


As the more astute among you must know, I recently celebrated my first birthday. I knew this had to be a momentous occasion, and so I went to my friend Cosme's birthday party the weekend before to see how it should be done.
Here's me and Cosme during the math challenge. It was an easy question.


Later I discovered that party hats are the natural enemies of evil geniuses. Yes, I was thrilled.


One element I did enjoy was the ball pool - amazingly the purple ones tasted exactly like eggplant. I was expecting grape, oh well.


Full of balls, it was time to say goodbye. I was sorry to leave, but I had learned a lot, and besides, my diaper was full.


With lots of great ideas, I instructed my alleged parents to throw me a super birthday bash, and they didn't disappoint. Dad spent the afternoon incinerating pieces of flesh on the new BBQ, and mum and me entertained the 30+ guests.
Even though I was surrounded by Gills, the Bakers and Yakes were still stuck in England, missing all the fun. However, they still found a way to join in via FaceBook!


A cake appeared, decorated by dad, and I relished the thought of biting Elmo's face.


For some reason they felt compelled to set light to a small wax statue of Elmo, and mum helped me blow the flame out (almost pulling an MJ in the process. What? Too soon?)


At first they left me with a big hunk of cake to figure out.


But then dad came along and showed me the correct way to shove it into my cakehole with my meaty shovels.


The partying was getting to me, and so I had a power nap before opening my presents.


I fortified myself with a popsicle (ice lolly for my British fans), and then tore into the carefully wrapped gifts.


3.2 seconds later, they were exposed.



I got some very cool presents (thanks everyone, thank you cards will be with you before 2012), but mum and dad were disappointed that I didn't use Aunty Julie's gift correctly. Apparently you are meant to walk along the patterns and make noise, not just play with the on/off switch.


But then I showed them the front of the box.



I'll leave you with some images of my peeps, first mum in an enigmatic, moody light.


Dad.


Uncle Paul.


And the whole Gill/Baker clan!


Whew! This was a long blog!



HJB out.

Ten months old already?

Greetings future minions,

Again, I feel I must apologise for my tardiness with this new missive, but dad has been hogging the computer again, claiming he has a "ton of work to do". Whatever.

At least I can now bring you up to speed with my world domina... um, humanitarian efforts.

Firstly, I had to remind the one who calls himself 'father', who is actually in charge here. I fooled him into thinking giving me a shoulder ride would be a fun idea - and then I unleashed hell on his balding pate. "Take that - ha ha! Now go and wash it off, then come back and say 'May I have another?'"
You have to keep them in their place.


He's not just a handy target for my whims though - sometimes we share a quality moment together, like this moment when we watched Sesame Street while sharing a teething biscuit.


These things don't really work for me, and judging by my dad's teeth perhaps should quit while I'm ahead. What can I do? I have too much British in me...


I'm looking forward to Halloween this year. You may recall that last year I was forced to wear a humiliating skeleton costume (not my choice) - however, I have been working Granny hard, coercing her to make me a new costume - will I reveal it now? Oh no - ha ha! However, I will show off a nifty set of pajamas that she whipped up the other day. She would make a pair for dad, but we can't afford that much fabric.


While we're on the subject of that ridiculous space fantasy that my parents are pushing on me, I have to admit that it does have its uses. Through osmosis, as I am carried through their vast collection of toys and posters, I believe I have finally tapped into my true nature. It all started when I decided I didn't want to sit in my Bumbo any more at meal times.


It was then that I felt the lure of the darkside. My world became one of lurking in shadows and gurgling menacingly.


Until I finally learned to harness the power of force lightning - and I became Darth Nipper.


But I have said too much already. Back to normal baby stuff.
Here I am in my command center, feigning happiness when all I want to do is get out and crawl around.


We went to my friend Oliver's house the other day for food and games. Oliver's mum showed me this really cool toy - I loved it! For some reason though, a similar device has yet to materialize in my own home.


While there, Uncle Paul taught me the delights of picking suspicious fruits with no regard for personal safety.


But he's still my uncle and I still love him.


Just recently my alleged parents have noticed that my television viewing habits have started to affect me - they can't figure out if this is a result of watching too much Elmo, Clifford, Thomas the Tank Engine or The Exorcist.


While we're on the subject of horror films (we were?), one of dad's leading ladies, Christel, came by the other day. She's jolly nice, and has smashing shoes. However, I had to question the wisdom in allowing her to hold me when I read the press release from the film she stars in - "a voluptuous femme fatale who exacts gruesome revenge on lecherous would-be suitors".


Just yesterday I was invited to my other buddy, Nate's birthday party. he had a thing there called a 'bouncy house'. At first glance it looked rather daunting.


And when I got inside, I realized I was entirely correct.


Well, I have to get going, as mum and dad need this computer again, so I'll leave you with this final image which demonstrates how I am big enough to feed myself now.



Cheerio!

HJB Out.