The Second Coming

Greetings, minions, and a Happy New Year to you all!

I'm back in the US of A and I have a lot to share with you - so hold onto your potatoes, it's gonna be a bumpy ride!

Flying is fun. Providing you are a baby, and not the owners of a baby, nor the passengers in the immediate vicinity of said baby. To be fair though, I thought my behavior was pretty good, not like the old lady in front of me who threw up all the way from San Francisco to London on the way out, or the man doing sneaky bottom burps behind me on the way back. Actually, during the stringent security check on the way to the States, I got my first ever frisking.
Needless to say, it was an enjoyable moment for both parties, and phone numbers were exchanged.

So, what went down in jolly old England?

Well, it snowed. Interesting stuff, snow. Kinda fun, kinda wet. The jury's still out on its usefulness.


It did teach me a thing or two about the hardiness of the locals though - although some might mistake this for stupidity.


It was fun seeing Nanny Annie again. She taught me how to use dangerous implements to mark furniture,


and introduced me to her pet fox in the back yard.


The best bit about the trip was being able to catch up with friends and family in order for them to fawn all over me and shower me with praise and jaffa cakes.
Here I am with my auntie, uncle and cousins...


...mum and dad's friends, Geoff and Sui, and Bruce...


...grandad Baker...


... and all of us tearing into our pressies with auntie Christine and uncle Dave.


We went to Christine and Dave's house for xmas dinner, which was a lot of fun.
Mum led me to their house, which is about ten houses up the street from Nanny Annie's place.


It was here that I encountered my first full turkey dinner. Blimey - I could get used to this! Cheers!


Unbelievably stuffed, I took a moment to relax at the table...


...before indulging in a spot of cat-tormenting.


I got some great presents for xmas, not the least of which was this knitted stealth cardigan from uncle Dave's mum. Unfortunately, its powers of invisibility are only effective when I am standing in front of Dave's mum.


Wow, this trip was such a lot of fun!
I played with auntie Julie a lot...


...until it all ended in a punch-up.


I read my Star Wars book with Bruce...


And got mercilessly tickled by Sean.


I especially enjoyed indulging in a spot of English television. I'm really not sure what these CBeebie programmers are on - but daddy wants some.


I had many likes and dislikes during my stay.
I loved dad's bizarre, yet barely attempted, party balloon animals...


... but wasn't so keen on some of the stuff that passes for baby food over there. That said, if you've got any spare Farley's Rusks laying around, feel free to send them my way!


I was delighted and touched by the huge supply of toys and equipment that had been rustled up by mum and dad's family and friends...


But I didn't like the idea of having to renounce my nationality while living under Nanny Annie's roof.


All in all, I had a splendid time, and was sorry to say goodbye.
I can't wait for our next trip over-seas.
Having said that, it was nice to get back to the balmy weather of San Jose, and go for a walk in the park with uncle Paul upon our return.


We had a lovely time over the holiday period - thanks to everyone who made it so special!

I'll leave you with the reason for my excited face...


I'm getting an apprentice!



Happy 2010, y'all!

HJB, out.

Afore we fly.

Greetings minions and evil-doers the world over,

As some of you may already know, my parental units are taking me to one half of my ancestoral home at the end of the week, and I shall be celebrating the holidays in jolly old England. Can't wait to meet family members I never knew I had, and charm the pants off mum and dad's friends. All that and turkey too - smashing.

Before I get too carried away though, I must apologise for skipping a month. There's no excuse, so I won't make one. That said, I'll now flood this blog with photos capturing the last couple of months in all their glory - lots of stuff happened, and I'm sure there was a purpose to it all...

Well, Halloween came and went (as did the chocolates I collected - thanks Uncle Paul). Dad carved a groovy pumpkin for me, befitting my dark side.


I got all decked out in my best space smuggler gear - just call me 'Han'.


I wowed the chicks.


Before hitting the town with my best buddies.


And counting my ill-gotten gains.



Also that month, I discovered the joys of brisk walks on crisp evenings. Mum and dad took me to a new park and we all had fun.
I looked at the birds on the lake.


Then dad showed me the art of swinging.


And then mum helped me up and down the stairs - all in all a most productive evening.


November swung around, and with it came butterflies and Thanksgiving.
We went to see the butterfly migration at Santa Cruz, but there weren't very many to see. Luckily I had Uncle Paul on hand to point out that the clusters of dead leaves we were looking at were, in fact, Monarch butterflies.


Not dead leaves


Saw some cool caterpillers though.


And then we went to the beach where everyone took turns to pose with me, thus making them better citizens.
First Mum.


Then Dad.


Then Uncle Paul!

We also went to some friends' house for a Thanksgiving meal. I gave thanks for the opportunity to do a bit of housework, although I needed a Dyson if I was going to suck up that paper airplane.



Towards the end of November, we all went for a jaunt to the Star Trek exhibit at the Tech museum in San Jose. I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw people actually dressed up for this event - surely Star Wars fans would never be this nerdy...


It was here that I gave a whole new meaning to the phrase 'Captain's log.'


As usual, I'll leave you with some random images that sum up the past couple of months for me.

Dad's pointing lessons were going poorly.


I discovered that leaves come many different colors, but mum still makes me wash my hands whether they be green or red or brown.


Sometimes a t-shirt can say a thousand words.


I am experimenting with different looks for my dark lord outfit. I call this one "you want fries with that?"


But I think this is the winner. Darth Tater won't miss his mask.


I am also working on building a real lightsaber. OK, so it's a flashlight, but it is purple.


I have discovered many new games to play.
This one is called 'couch chewing' - it helps me soothe my four new teeth that are causing me so much grief these days.


I call this one 'Mummy's little helper'. They don't seem to find this very funny though.


Finally, I'll leave you with me and new best friend. When he asked me what I wanted for christmas, I said 'world domination' and then peed on his leg. I don't think this guy's going to be checking his list twice this year...



Happy Holidays!!

HJB

Settling In

Greetings, purveyors of quality babies,

It's been a busy month and a half since my last missive, but I thought you might like an update on my recent relocation to a new evil lair.

Sadly, all the volcanoes in San Jose were taken by other neferious types, so I had to settle on a spiffy apartment complex that looks a little bit like Italy.

Here is the main entrance to my new domain,


and here is the view from my bedroom window.


This is the area I have for my crib of doom,


and here is the corner for my diaper changing table... of doom.


Somehow, the parental units were able to squeeze the couches from Uncle Paul's place into this new location...


and gladly sacrificed their books so that I had somewhere to stash my toys.


One bonus to this new pad is the close vicinity of a splendid training ground where I shall be toughening up my recruits.


Here they will discover new definitions of pain as I put them through their paces on the swing of doom...


...the slide of doom...


...and the parallel bars of mild discomfort.


Recently, I visited some friends' houses. My associate and wheel-man, Oliver, held a Pirate-themed birthday party recently, and I not only shivered my timbers, but I also press-ganged Uncle Paul into being my cabin boy.


I also met up with another diabolical genius, Arusha, who showed me the joys of drumming,


followed by a demonstration of her own, evil meglomaniac chair.


I must admit, it was more comfortable than the chair I built for myself at home.


In other news, I am honing my hand-to-hand combat skills via unprovoked attacks on my creaking old dad. He is prone to yell "Not now, Kato!"


I am also learning to drive,



and thoroughly enjoying feeding myself.




I'll finish up this memo with a few random images showing how I have successfully integrated myself into society, but first, I must show you what happened after dad made me watch Close Encounters of the Third Kind.


Enjoy the snaps!









HJB Out!

13 months young.

Hello future minions,

Well, I am managing to squeeze in and write this blog while dad is taking a rare break from the computer. He has written a 'to do' list and is ploughing his way through it in a vague attempt to avoid changing my diapers.

A lot has happened since I turned 1 and became an adult. I am still doing lots of walking, especially in my new outfits, and because of this activity my weight appears to have plateaued at 22lbs.


I'm growing taller though (30 inches), and already have size six feet. I think some height would add a sense of menace which could prove useful in the future.

I don't always walk around unaided though - occasionally I like to relax in my walker which also plays classical music, very sophisticated.


Every day is spent plotting diabolical deeds and honing my defensive skills - when I am not attacking dad and biting his knees, I like to engage in a friendly bout with my arch nemesis, Dr. Quackles McBeak.


Speaking of dad, I have to say that so far I am not impressed with his parenting abilities. In fact, the stuff he has been teaching me has, quite frankly, been downright irresponsible.

First, he taught me the correct Mr. Magoo face to pull to show my displeasure when forced to eat vegetables.


Then he showed me the joys of eating mashed potatoes without the aid of a bowl or a spoon.


Later he demonstrated the correct way to smoosh one's face up against the kitchen window in order to shock mum. Luckily, granny had just washed this window...


He's not all bad though - he did take me swimming today for the first time - I loved it!


I've been considering many new forms of transport in order to facilitate my world domination plans. After rejecting the box...


I then tried what I thought was a rocket - only to discover that is was a crude mock-up of a pineapple house. The shame.


Finally I settled for my big Cat truck - oh, and don't get me wrong, I don't normally drink and drive. This was just staged as a publicity shot.



OK chums - see you again soon,

HJB out.

Wha? Where am I? How old am I?

Hello minions!

My profound apologies for the delay between entries, but feel free to blame my father and scowl at him as you pass him on the street.

So much has happened in the last couple of months - I pushed out a couple more teeth, learned to point with great aplomb, and within the space of a week went from standing in a wobbly fashion to walking all over the place - yay, mobility!

Here is some photographic proof of these great achievements.

Teeth...


Pointing...


Walking around...




I like to walk everywhere. Here is a typical scene where I have decided to walk upstairs and one of the slow old adults is trying to frantically catch me before I fall and damage the marble.


The other big news is that I have relocated to a much more sensible evil lair.
You might notice that my previous residence was a little bit... obvious.


Well, now we have moved into a smaller place, something called an 'apartment', which makes it far more easy for me to blend in with the natives. Actually, I rather like this new place. Despite being the size of our old garage, it is fun to walk around in, and looks like we now live in Tuscany - hopefully this should confuse Interpol.


Thankfully I managed to retain my chair, from which I dispense nefarious commands.


I was a good boy (for once) and helped with the moving process. Here I am packing Uncle Paul's antiques,


Ironically, the movie I am chewing on is 'Babette's Feast'.
As soon as cupboards were empty, I helpfully filled them up again with my own loot.


And of course I understood that sacrifices had to be made, and while the move was in progress I resorted to bathing in the sink...


or even on the balcony.


Of course, none of this a great strain, for I am secretly from a distant planet known to your Earth scientists as 'Krypton'.


Just kiddin'.
So, what else have I been up to?
Well, mum and dad took me to the beach a little while ago. I liked it very much and found myself inspired. I'll bet nobody has ever thought of constructing an underwater lair! Mwahaha! Just call me Stromberg.


We also entered a fun run called 'wharf to wharf' which goes from Santa Cruz to Capitola. It's a six mile run/walk/crawl and with my help mum and dad set a new record of three days, seven hours and two minutes.


All this exercise is turning them into a couple of hotties, check out their latest photograph.


I was too busy hanging ten to be in the picture.


As the more astute among you must know, I recently celebrated my first birthday. I knew this had to be a momentous occasion, and so I went to my friend Cosme's birthday party the weekend before to see how it should be done.
Here's me and Cosme during the math challenge. It was an easy question.


Later I discovered that party hats are the natural enemies of evil geniuses. Yes, I was thrilled.


One element I did enjoy was the ball pool - amazingly the purple ones tasted exactly like eggplant. I was expecting grape, oh well.


Full of balls, it was time to say goodbye. I was sorry to leave, but I had learned a lot, and besides, my diaper was full.


With lots of great ideas, I instructed my alleged parents to throw me a super birthday bash, and they didn't disappoint. Dad spent the afternoon incinerating pieces of flesh on the new BBQ, and mum and me entertained the 30+ guests.
Even though I was surrounded by Gills, the Bakers and Yakes were still stuck in England, missing all the fun. However, they still found a way to join in via FaceBook!


A cake appeared, decorated by dad, and I relished the thought of biting Elmo's face.


For some reason they felt compelled to set light to a small wax statue of Elmo, and mum helped me blow the flame out (almost pulling an MJ in the process. What? Too soon?)


At first they left me with a big hunk of cake to figure out.


But then dad came along and showed me the correct way to shove it into my cakehole with my meaty shovels.


The partying was getting to me, and so I had a power nap before opening my presents.


I fortified myself with a popsicle (ice lolly for my British fans), and then tore into the carefully wrapped gifts.


3.2 seconds later, they were exposed.



I got some very cool presents (thanks everyone, thank you cards will be with you before 2012), but mum and dad were disappointed that I didn't use Aunty Julie's gift correctly. Apparently you are meant to walk along the patterns and make noise, not just play with the on/off switch.


But then I showed them the front of the box.



I'll leave you with some images of my peeps, first mum in an enigmatic, moody light.


Dad.


Uncle Paul.


And the whole Gill/Baker clan!


Whew! This was a long blog!



HJB out.

Ten months old already?

Greetings future minions,

Again, I feel I must apologise for my tardiness with this new missive, but dad has been hogging the computer again, claiming he has a "ton of work to do". Whatever.

At least I can now bring you up to speed with my world domina... um, humanitarian efforts.

Firstly, I had to remind the one who calls himself 'father', who is actually in charge here. I fooled him into thinking giving me a shoulder ride would be a fun idea - and then I unleashed hell on his balding pate. "Take that - ha ha! Now go and wash it off, then come back and say 'May I have another?'"
You have to keep them in their place.


He's not just a handy target for my whims though - sometimes we share a quality moment together, like this moment when we watched Sesame Street while sharing a teething biscuit.


These things don't really work for me, and judging by my dad's teeth perhaps should quit while I'm ahead. What can I do? I have too much British in me...


I'm looking forward to Halloween this year. You may recall that last year I was forced to wear a humiliating skeleton costume (not my choice) - however, I have been working Granny hard, coercing her to make me a new costume - will I reveal it now? Oh no - ha ha! However, I will show off a nifty set of pajamas that she whipped up the other day. She would make a pair for dad, but we can't afford that much fabric.


While we're on the subject of that ridiculous space fantasy that my parents are pushing on me, I have to admit that it does have its uses. Through osmosis, as I am carried through their vast collection of toys and posters, I believe I have finally tapped into my true nature. It all started when I decided I didn't want to sit in my Bumbo any more at meal times.


It was then that I felt the lure of the darkside. My world became one of lurking in shadows and gurgling menacingly.


Until I finally learned to harness the power of force lightning - and I became Darth Nipper.


But I have said too much already. Back to normal baby stuff.
Here I am in my command center, feigning happiness when all I want to do is get out and crawl around.


We went to my friend Oliver's house the other day for food and games. Oliver's mum showed me this really cool toy - I loved it! For some reason though, a similar device has yet to materialize in my own home.


While there, Uncle Paul taught me the delights of picking suspicious fruits with no regard for personal safety.


But he's still my uncle and I still love him.


Just recently my alleged parents have noticed that my television viewing habits have started to affect me - they can't figure out if this is a result of watching too much Elmo, Clifford, Thomas the Tank Engine or The Exorcist.


While we're on the subject of horror films (we were?), one of dad's leading ladies, Christel, came by the other day. She's jolly nice, and has smashing shoes. However, I had to question the wisdom in allowing her to hold me when I read the press release from the film she stars in - "a voluptuous femme fatale who exacts gruesome revenge on lecherous would-be suitors".


Just yesterday I was invited to my other buddy, Nate's birthday party. he had a thing there called a 'bouncy house'. At first glance it looked rather daunting.


And when I got inside, I realized I was entirely correct.


Well, I have to get going, as mum and dad need this computer again, so I'll leave you with this final image which demonstrates how I am big enough to feed myself now.



Cheerio!

HJB Out.

Happy Mother's Day!

Hello blind followers of the cult of Harrison,

Today's blog is dedicated to a very special person on a very special day.

ME!

Just kidding. Even though I just turned 9 months old yesterday, I feel it would be remiss of me not to acknowledge my alleged mother who is one of many magnificent matriarchs to be honored on this special day created exclusively by Hallmark.

I love you mum!



Well, now that I've got that out of the way, back to me.

It's been a very interesting month actually, dad had a birthday and mum bought him some balloons. I ask you - are these people really mature enough to raise a child?



On the plus side, I did manage to weasel a decent morsel of dad's icecream cake out of him - and I have decided that this is what I shall be wasting my pocket-money on in the future.



I am a big fan of frozen treats - especially in this terrible time of teething. Mum has a little mesh sucky thing into which she puts ice cubes and frozen baby juice (don't ask me where she gets frozen baby juice from), and which I enjoy sucking on immensely. Sometimes we all get a frozen sucky thing to enjoy and we eat them together.



This month has truly been a period of discovery.
I have discovered how to crawl...



How to grow teeth...



How to sit up and play by myself...



How to show my displeasure when forced to eat cold carrots...



How to stand up and watch my favorite shows...



and how to react when a Girls Gone Wild advert appears on screen...



Normally, dad and I enjoy a sedate period every morning watching my favorite characters, Clifford and Elmo. Here you can see how the camera perfectly captures my father's feigned interest in these shows.



Speaking of dads - I met the final piece in the grandparent puzzle the other day when Grandpa Baker popped in for a visit - here is a stunning family portrait of the Fabulous Baker Boys!



I'd like to wish you all a happy May, and leave you with some more random images.

When I sleep on dad, I wake up with bizarre face-markings. However, I kind of like these, I think they suit a future evil genius.



Mother has proven to be quite frugal in these times of economic strife. Now, instead of separately washing my clothes and then giving me a bath, she just chucks the whole lot in the laundry. Don't worry, I have alerted social services.



Here's me standing up again. I like this upright position - it moves me that much closer to all the fun electrical equipment that taunts me with its flashing lights and beeping noises.



Finally, here's another cute picture for you to print out and stick on your fridge. I'm sorry for all of these stunning photos of me that must be cluttering up your walls, but can I help it if I inherited my dad's good looks?



Until next time,

HJB out.