Friday, September 26, 2008

Please, no pictures!

Hello all,

Well, things are ticking along nicely here - I'm putting on weight at a phenomenal rate and have stunned the entire household into submission with my rampant flatulance.

The parental units thought it would be a good idea to get some professional photos done of me - or so they thought.

My day began with another splendid bath - I do love these occasions, a chance to get out of that accursed diaper and wave my giblets in the air conditioned breeze of the kitchen.
After a through scrubbing, I like to rest on Granny Gill's shoulder in my 'Rocky' robe.

Once clean and fresh it was time to face the lights. The photographer was jolly nice and made all sorts of childish noises in an attempt to get my attention. She also forced me to use my neck muscles, which I am reluctantly grateful for.

You wouldn't know from this photo that I was beginning to get a bit peed off with this whole process, would you?

I posed for a few nice photos like a good little boy.
We have to wait three weeks for the proper photos to come back - but you should get an idea from these how stunningly cute I decided to be.

After a good 20 minutes of this nonsense, I had had enough - and I put on a good 'meltdown' show just so that they would leave me alone - or better still, go and get me some milk.

In the end, Mum came through with some TLC, and everything turned out rosy.
I'll let you know when the official snaps come back - until then,
HJB out.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

I'm a big boy now.

Hello my loyal followers,

Well, I just got back from the clinic where I had my weekly tune up and oil change - I am now 10lbs 5oz - mum and dad call me 'Harry the bowling ball'.
Everything else checked out OK - a bit of dry skin, but that should clear up soon.

To combat the skin condition, I am getting regular baths, and enjoying them immensely. An added bonus is that with my current 'gassy' problem it's always jacuzzi time in the Gill-Baker household!
Here I am relaxing in my robe after yet another good scrubbing - all I need now is a milktini and my evening would be complete.

Talking of relaxing, I am rapidly growing into my papasan, and loving it. I especially like the way I am dumped in it while my parental units go off and do something fun, like wash my stuff or clean my bottles.

You may wonder why I am putting on weight so quickly - well, one glimpse at one of my feeding bottles should give you a clue.

Actually, it is this size because it is meant to simulate a bosom - father is especially intrigued by this idea and has bought a pair of them for himself, can't imagine why though.

My birth certificate came through the other day, so I am officially legal now. I also have my social security card and opened my first bank account yesterday - that way mum and dad can't get their grubby mitts on my revolution funds. Of course, by revolution funds, I mean charitable efforts. If you would like to make a contribution to my coffers, please send a check made payable to my main charity - Central American School Hospitals.
If that name is too long to write, just write the initials, C, A, S, H instead - I'll make sure it gets to the needy.

Dad likes to remind everyone that my little American body is actually one half English; must be the pasty white half.

Well, I should get going - all this typing makes a guy sleepy.

Not only that, but keeping mum on her toes all day long is taking its toll on both of us - still, she seems to find time to feed herself, so I must be doing something wrong. I shall redouble my efforts!

Until next time,
HJB out.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Meet the Geek Scouts

Greetings, workers,

I had another check up the other day at the hospital - everything seems to be in perfect working order and I now weigh 9 lbs 4 oz.

I can't really explain this weight gain, except maybe for the fact that I am given inappropriate foodstuffs - like this cake I had for my one month birthday for example.

I also have a warning for any of you thinking of mixing your formulas for supper - look what happened to me - I understand it is called 'giganticism of the foot'.

Now, back to world domination.

For my nefarious schemes to work, I realized that I needed some wily partners - and found them in the form of the Geek Scouts - a super group of two (now three) who have similar plans of world domination through the use of knot tying and slide rules.

I have enlisted their help in my first plan - an attempt to steal the entire milk reserves of the United States, currently being housed in a heavily fortified building known as Fort Knockers. Our plans are top secret (until one of us learns how to write them down) but I will keep you posted on our progress.

The Geek Scouts: (left to right) Nate 'The Hawk' Laursen; Harry 'The Unpleasant Surprise' Baker and Oliver 'The Bus' Schulte.

They are my new BFF's - and I anticipate many marvelous adventures for us in the future!

Speak to you soon,

HJB out.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Happy Birthday to Me!

Yep - I have reached the milestone of one month.
That's one month of eating, sleeping, pooping and sleeping.

To celebrate this great achievement, father gave me a rather special present.
He said it is a one of a kind 'Mighty Mugg' - and will start me off on my quest to collect as many of these toys as possible, thus foresaking my college fund.

I think not, daddy - world domination does not come cheap.

Here's the daddy-style Mighty Mugg.

And here's me sleeping with it.

Until next time, HJB out.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Of Domination and Hygiene.

Hello again, minions,

My plans for world domination are progressing smoothly, if a little slowly. I had not anticipated this inability to walk or use a telephone to last quite as long as it has - but I am confident that I will be calling in the first air strikes within the month.

In the meantime, I am continuing to practice looking cute, as I find this helps me bend the will of lesser mortals to my every whim. Here is one face I have been working on.

I have also tried smiling, as this seems to endear me even more to these servants who live only to feed me and wipe my bottom.

But of course, as soon as their backs are turned, I am up to my usual tricks, formulating new world domination plots and other nefarious schemes - mwahahaha.

I like to share my insidious plans with my closest confidant - monkey. I like monkey, he doesn't judge me, nor does he blab his mouth off to the rozzers (that's slang for cops, I picked that up from dad).

I am not taking this future role of world leader lightly, and am ensuring that I look my best for all upcoming engagements.
This includes a trip to Uncle Paul's gym, where I work my guns until I feel the burn.

Then I insist on a quick manicure - one doesn't want to be caught shaking hands with fellow despots with unsightly fingernails.

Then it is time for a bath. My caretakers' first attempts with bathing me left a little bit to be desired. Oh, it all started out sensible enough. I waited patiently in my tub while they fussed around trying to get the water temperature right.
OK - not really that patiently - I mean, c'mon, how hard can it be to add equal amounts of hot and cold water?

Once they figured out what they were doing, the actual bathing bit was extremely pleasurable. The shower-head got water into crevices even I didn't know I had.

When it was all over they wrapped me in a towel - and thought the entire operation had gone smoothly.

How little they knew.
I had neglected to tell them that the rubber stopper in the base of the bath was not in place - so all the time father was showering me, the water was running out of the bottom of the tub, all over the floor and mostly down granny who was helping at the time.

Score another soaking for HJB!

Until next time, HJB out.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Three weeks down, quite a lot more to go...

Hello, Harry Fans,

Time to share some new photos with you I think.

It was a sad day for me today as Auntie Rajwant left to go back to Ottawa.
Now who is going to massage my feet with baby lotion? It's not easy doing your own manscaping when you have no real neck muscles.

Auntie Rajwant was also pretty good at burping me.
This is less painful than it looks - actually I often fall asleep in this position.

This is one of my favorite bibs.
I have spit up on this one quite a few times now...

Uncle Parm has come to see me this week. I like him, he makes me laugh.

He is also pretty handy with a bottle of milk. Good job, sir!

I have to admit though - this cuisine they keep serving up to me leaves something to be desired - how about a little variety?
"Milk? Again?"

After a hearty meal, there's nothing I like better than hanging out with my animal friends in my super cool jungle that Gregory, Stephanie and Oliver bought me.
In this place I am king of my domain, and I protect all those who come here, for I am Harry, Lord of the Jungle - ahhhh aha ah aha ahhhhhh!!!!

Sometimes, when I just need some quality time alone, I lounge around in my papasan that Auntie Shelly Bean bought me - it's dead comfy!

However, when I get the chance I like to sneak onto Mum and Dad's bed and stare out of the window. I've formulated many a devious plan on these soft sheets. I've soiled them once or twice too.

I hope you've enjoyed this romp through a typical day for lil' ol' me - more to come!

HJB out.