Thursday, June 26, 2008

"Still a boy!"

Greetings and salutations, followers of the Almighty Harrison,

It's been a frantic couple of weeks for your favorite foetus.

I've been pretty busy growing new bits and pieces and plumping out the other bits and pieces, and I'm happy to report that everything is in perfect working order.

My alleged parents took me to see another of these 'moving picture shows' that seem to be so popular with the outside world. It was called The Incredible Hulk and from what I could tell it involved a lot of shouting and trouser splitting (which is nothing new to father).

Interestingly, the film had a perculiar effect on me - I'm not sure if this was a normal growth spurt or a direct result of the on-screen gamma radiation - but I grew substantially the following evening. Mother was quite surprised, I can tell you.

During my latest routine check up, the doctor at the hospital was also surprised by my size, and ordered a fresh batch of portraits of me for her living room wall. During the ultrasound, the nice lady with the magic camera and warm gel pointed out the wispy hair on my head and my chubby cheeks. I must have got the hair from mother and the chubby cheeks from father. Here is the most recent image. I have added some guides to help you spot me...

It was during this modelling session that the nice lady proclaimed, "Still a boy!" when she glimpsed the package between my legs, before promptly fainting (presumably with delight). Now, I don't want to make a big fuss about my appendage, but let's just say you can buy one of these for $5 at Subway.

Father is still emotionally disturbed after attending a breast-feeding seminar with mother the other night. I for one picked up many interesting tips...

Here is a current picture of the state of bellyomom - mother has her head turned away as she didn't have any make up on. Father said "That's what photoshop's for."
He is still nursing his bruises.

Actually, I was wondering if one of you, my dear readers, could contact UNICEF for me, as my mother has already started putting me to work. I realise that father may have some quaint ideas about selling me into child slavery as soon as I reach five, but mother has gone too far, utilizing my skills before I'm even out of the womb - it's an outrage!

OK - I'm off to do some kicking and poking, speak to you again soon!


P.S. I hope you appreciate the 31 week bum shot I have procured for you at the top right... seriously, I have no choice over these angles.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Father done good.

Greetings, subjects,

Well, it's been a steamy couple of weeks. The weather outside my prison has been getting hotter and hotter, and bellyomom has been warming up at an alarming rate.
I watched a fascinating documentary the other day titled 'An Inconvenient Womb', and if the large presenter was correct, I can only expect the temperature to keep rising! I have taken steps to reduce this crisis, namely by recycling everything that comes my way via mother's gullet, and reducing my emissions - although the same can't be said for father.

I have a new game that I like to play with my alleged parents. I call it 'Pokey Mom'.
The idea is to give her a good hard kick and then, when she retaliates by prodding at me with her finger (or even worse, telling the balding oaf to lay his sweaty mitts on me) I quickly shuffle over to another position and kick even harder. This game can go on all night, and frequently leads to much hilarity on my part, and frequent bathroom breaks on mother's part.

It appears that I will be getting photographed again very soon, since during the last doctor visit it was suggested that I was a little large for my age. Ha! These quacks know nothing! I had merely fashioned the placenta into a head shape and was holding it above my own when the doc felt for me - still, it means I might have another piccy of me for you to hang on the wall next the others (you are framing and mounting my portraits aren't you?).

Now, to address my vaguely illiterate title.
It appears that my alleged father (the bald, stout one) does indeed try to work hard at school. During the annual film show at his school, he not only showed one of his short animated films (to some acclaim) but was honored with one of the highest awards that the school can bestow on a student. Here is a crude facsimile of his achievement.

Now he just needs to find a job, after all, the money he won along with this award isn't going to be enough to keep me in the manner in which I intend to become accustomed.

In other news - my newest best buddy was born a couple of days ago! Madeline Margaret Wood Hooper was born to my alleged parents' good friends, Roy and Julia. I've seen the photos and she's pretty hot, even for a scrunched up newborn, so hands off you other mugs, I've got her number.

Until next time,

HJB out.