Greetings future minions,
Again, I feel I must apologise for my tardiness with this new missive, but dad has been hogging the computer again, claiming he has a "ton of work to do". Whatever.
At least I can now bring you up to speed with my world domina... um, humanitarian efforts.
Firstly, I had to remind the one who calls himself 'father', who is actually in charge here. I fooled him into thinking giving me a shoulder ride would be a fun idea - and then I unleashed hell on his balding pate. "Take that - ha ha! Now go and wash it off, then come back and say 'May I have another?'"
You have to keep them in their place.
He's not just a handy target for my whims though - sometimes we share a quality moment together, like this moment when we watched Sesame Street while sharing a teething biscuit.
These things don't really work for me, and judging by my dad's teeth perhaps should quit while I'm ahead. What can I do? I have too much British in me...
I'm looking forward to Halloween this year. You may recall that last year I was forced to wear a humiliating skeleton costume (not my choice) - however, I have been working Granny hard, coercing her to make me a new costume - will I reveal it now? Oh no - ha ha! However, I will show off a nifty set of pajamas that she whipped up the other day. She would make a pair for dad, but we can't afford that much fabric.
While we're on the subject of that ridiculous space fantasy that my parents are pushing on me, I have to admit that it does have its uses. Through osmosis, as I am carried through their vast collection of toys and posters, I believe I have finally tapped into my true nature. It all started when I decided I didn't want to sit in my Bumbo any more at meal times.
It was then that I felt the lure of the darkside. My world became one of lurking in shadows and gurgling menacingly.
Until I finally learned to harness the power of force lightning - and I became Darth Nipper.
But I have said too much already. Back to normal baby stuff.
Here I am in my command center, feigning happiness when all I want to do is get out and crawl around.
We went to my friend Oliver's house the other day for food and games. Oliver's mum showed me this really cool toy - I loved it! For some reason though, a similar device has yet to materialize in my own home.
While there, Uncle Paul taught me the delights of picking suspicious fruits with no regard for personal safety.
But he's still my uncle and I still love him.
Just recently my alleged parents have noticed that my television viewing habits have started to affect me - they can't figure out if this is a result of watching too much Elmo, Clifford, Thomas the Tank Engine or The Exorcist.
While we're on the subject of horror films (we were?), one of dad's leading ladies, Christel, came by the other day. She's jolly nice, and has smashing shoes. However, I had to question the wisdom in allowing her to hold me when I read the press release from the film she stars in - "a voluptuous femme fatale who exacts gruesome revenge on lecherous would-be suitors".
Just yesterday I was invited to my other buddy, Nate's birthday party. he had a thing there called a 'bouncy house'. At first glance it looked rather daunting.
And when I got inside, I realized I was entirely correct.
Well, I have to get going, as mum and dad need this computer again, so I'll leave you with this final image which demonstrates how I am big enough to feed myself now.