Settling In

Greetings, purveyors of quality babies,

It's been a busy month and a half since my last missive, but I thought you might like an update on my recent relocation to a new evil lair.

Sadly, all the volcanoes in San Jose were taken by other neferious types, so I had to settle on a spiffy apartment complex that looks a little bit like Italy.

Here is the main entrance to my new domain,


and here is the view from my bedroom window.


This is the area I have for my crib of doom,


and here is the corner for my diaper changing table... of doom.


Somehow, the parental units were able to squeeze the couches from Uncle Paul's place into this new location...


and gladly sacrificed their books so that I had somewhere to stash my toys.


One bonus to this new pad is the close vicinity of a splendid training ground where I shall be toughening up my recruits.


Here they will discover new definitions of pain as I put them through their paces on the swing of doom...


...the slide of doom...


...and the parallel bars of mild discomfort.


Recently, I visited some friends' houses. My associate and wheel-man, Oliver, held a Pirate-themed birthday party recently, and I not only shivered my timbers, but I also press-ganged Uncle Paul into being my cabin boy.


I also met up with another diabolical genius, Arusha, who showed me the joys of drumming,


followed by a demonstration of her own, evil meglomaniac chair.


I must admit, it was more comfortable than the chair I built for myself at home.


In other news, I am honing my hand-to-hand combat skills via unprovoked attacks on my creaking old dad. He is prone to yell "Not now, Kato!"


I am also learning to drive,



and thoroughly enjoying feeding myself.




I'll finish up this memo with a few random images showing how I have successfully integrated myself into society, but first, I must show you what happened after dad made me watch Close Encounters of the Third Kind.


Enjoy the snaps!









HJB Out!

13 months young.

Hello future minions,

Well, I am managing to squeeze in and write this blog while dad is taking a rare break from the computer. He has written a 'to do' list and is ploughing his way through it in a vague attempt to avoid changing my diapers.

A lot has happened since I turned 1 and became an adult. I am still doing lots of walking, especially in my new outfits, and because of this activity my weight appears to have plateaued at 22lbs.


I'm growing taller though (30 inches), and already have size six feet. I think some height would add a sense of menace which could prove useful in the future.

I don't always walk around unaided though - occasionally I like to relax in my walker which also plays classical music, very sophisticated.


Every day is spent plotting diabolical deeds and honing my defensive skills - when I am not attacking dad and biting his knees, I like to engage in a friendly bout with my arch nemesis, Dr. Quackles McBeak.


Speaking of dad, I have to say that so far I am not impressed with his parenting abilities. In fact, the stuff he has been teaching me has, quite frankly, been downright irresponsible.

First, he taught me the correct Mr. Magoo face to pull to show my displeasure when forced to eat vegetables.


Then he showed me the joys of eating mashed potatoes without the aid of a bowl or a spoon.


Later he demonstrated the correct way to smoosh one's face up against the kitchen window in order to shock mum. Luckily, granny had just washed this window...


He's not all bad though - he did take me swimming today for the first time - I loved it!


I've been considering many new forms of transport in order to facilitate my world domination plans. After rejecting the box...


I then tried what I thought was a rocket - only to discover that is was a crude mock-up of a pineapple house. The shame.


Finally I settled for my big Cat truck - oh, and don't get me wrong, I don't normally drink and drive. This was just staged as a publicity shot.



OK chums - see you again soon,

HJB out.

Wha? Where am I? How old am I?

Hello minions!

My profound apologies for the delay between entries, but feel free to blame my father and scowl at him as you pass him on the street.

So much has happened in the last couple of months - I pushed out a couple more teeth, learned to point with great aplomb, and within the space of a week went from standing in a wobbly fashion to walking all over the place - yay, mobility!

Here is some photographic proof of these great achievements.

Teeth...


Pointing...


Walking around...




I like to walk everywhere. Here is a typical scene where I have decided to walk upstairs and one of the slow old adults is trying to frantically catch me before I fall and damage the marble.


The other big news is that I have relocated to a much more sensible evil lair.
You might notice that my previous residence was a little bit... obvious.


Well, now we have moved into a smaller place, something called an 'apartment', which makes it far more easy for me to blend in with the natives. Actually, I rather like this new place. Despite being the size of our old garage, it is fun to walk around in, and looks like we now live in Tuscany - hopefully this should confuse Interpol.


Thankfully I managed to retain my chair, from which I dispense nefarious commands.


I was a good boy (for once) and helped with the moving process. Here I am packing Uncle Paul's antiques,


Ironically, the movie I am chewing on is 'Babette's Feast'.
As soon as cupboards were empty, I helpfully filled them up again with my own loot.


And of course I understood that sacrifices had to be made, and while the move was in progress I resorted to bathing in the sink...


or even on the balcony.


Of course, none of this a great strain, for I am secretly from a distant planet known to your Earth scientists as 'Krypton'.


Just kiddin'.
So, what else have I been up to?
Well, mum and dad took me to the beach a little while ago. I liked it very much and found myself inspired. I'll bet nobody has ever thought of constructing an underwater lair! Mwahaha! Just call me Stromberg.


We also entered a fun run called 'wharf to wharf' which goes from Santa Cruz to Capitola. It's a six mile run/walk/crawl and with my help mum and dad set a new record of three days, seven hours and two minutes.


All this exercise is turning them into a couple of hotties, check out their latest photograph.


I was too busy hanging ten to be in the picture.


As the more astute among you must know, I recently celebrated my first birthday. I knew this had to be a momentous occasion, and so I went to my friend Cosme's birthday party the weekend before to see how it should be done.
Here's me and Cosme during the math challenge. It was an easy question.


Later I discovered that party hats are the natural enemies of evil geniuses. Yes, I was thrilled.


One element I did enjoy was the ball pool - amazingly the purple ones tasted exactly like eggplant. I was expecting grape, oh well.


Full of balls, it was time to say goodbye. I was sorry to leave, but I had learned a lot, and besides, my diaper was full.


With lots of great ideas, I instructed my alleged parents to throw me a super birthday bash, and they didn't disappoint. Dad spent the afternoon incinerating pieces of flesh on the new BBQ, and mum and me entertained the 30+ guests.
Even though I was surrounded by Gills, the Bakers and Yakes were still stuck in England, missing all the fun. However, they still found a way to join in via FaceBook!


A cake appeared, decorated by dad, and I relished the thought of biting Elmo's face.


For some reason they felt compelled to set light to a small wax statue of Elmo, and mum helped me blow the flame out (almost pulling an MJ in the process. What? Too soon?)


At first they left me with a big hunk of cake to figure out.


But then dad came along and showed me the correct way to shove it into my cakehole with my meaty shovels.


The partying was getting to me, and so I had a power nap before opening my presents.


I fortified myself with a popsicle (ice lolly for my British fans), and then tore into the carefully wrapped gifts.


3.2 seconds later, they were exposed.



I got some very cool presents (thanks everyone, thank you cards will be with you before 2012), but mum and dad were disappointed that I didn't use Aunty Julie's gift correctly. Apparently you are meant to walk along the patterns and make noise, not just play with the on/off switch.


But then I showed them the front of the box.



I'll leave you with some images of my peeps, first mum in an enigmatic, moody light.


Dad.


Uncle Paul.


And the whole Gill/Baker clan!


Whew! This was a long blog!



HJB out.